Sunday, May 31, 2015

Thousands Flee Portland as Popularity Rises


2015 will likely mark one of Portland’s most populated years. The vacancy rate for properties in Portland has dropped below 3%, and that’s true and fucking insane. Portland’s population boom has been largely attributed to hipster culture, locally grown kale, and coffee so stiff that it holds up the city’s many decaying bridges. Unfortunately, it appears as though the golden age of this mecca of free expression and nude art may be coming to an end. 

The chaos and unrest caused by listening to Congratulations on loop for ten days...
Photo Cred. Jascha, Designated Pattison Chronicle Hipster Wildlife  Photographer

With increasing amounts of migration to Portland as a safe haven for shit that other cities just won’t put up with, its popularity has risen to record highs. However, this spike in popularity has caused a massive migration of Portland’s signature hipster population. When asked where they were going they responded: “Some little town you’ve probably never heard of.” The hoard of mustachioed men and women riding recumbent unicycles was last seen heading north on what they would only call “The road less traveled.”

Keep your local authorities informed; report any hipster sightings immediately, lest they open up an ironically themed futuristic antiques store near you… If you need help, refer to our handy guide!

No comments:

Post a Comment