World Set to Enter 7th Mass Extinction

June 26^th, 2015 PANIC TOWN, USA

Scary picture of the sun to remind you that you are never safe! That means you Bill!

Over the past week there have been many articles touting the idea that the world is heading into its sixth mass extinction (http://www.popsci.com/were-entering-sixth-mass-extinction-and-its-our-fault). These so-called ‘scientists’ may be correct that we have entered the sixth extinction period, but the seventh might be about to beat it to the punch. If Instagram user Mac_Ashton is to be believed, he will be the source of earth’s destruction. Not global warming, not terrorism, not herds of anti-abortion rabbits toting legally exposed high-powered firearms (I’m pretty worried about that one), but instead a madman with a foot of unimaginable size.

Maybe if we follow, subscribe, and comment he'll let it go.
https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/

As seen above, the user has provided photographic evidence that he indeed has his foot on the sun, and is willing to step on it if his demands are not met. When our senior hostage negotiation intern reached out for said list of demands, we received nothing but maniacal laughter and the intern’s pinky in return. A reputable scientist (who shan’t be named because he’s so damned reputable), has already authenticated the photo and confirmed, “We’re all pretty screwed.”

After examining all the facts, two things are clear: The seventh mass extinction is on its way, and we’re never getting Jimmy back. Rest in peace little guy, now go get The Big Guy a cappuccino and keep your mouth shut.

To Elroy's Parents, He still owed us like five bucks, so if you could please...

--Ashton Macaulay, Alarmist, User Mac_Ashton, Destroyer of Worlds?

Be sure to like our Facebook page, follow us on twitter, and shout our name from the rooftops, because we have egos that demand inflating. 

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Instagram: https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/
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Thousands Flee Portland as Popularity Rises

MAY 31ST, PORTLAND OR

2015 will likely mark one of Portland’s most populated years. The vacancy rate for properties in Portland has dropped below 3%, and that’s true and fucking insane. Portland’s population boom has been largely attributed to hipster culture, locally grown kale, and coffee so stiff that it holds up the city’s many decaying bridges. Unfortunately, it appears as though the golden age of this mecca of free expression and nude art may be coming to an end. 

The chaos and unrest caused by listening to Congratulations on loop for ten days...
Photo Cred. Jascha, Designated Pattison Chronicle Hipster Wildlife  Photographer

With increasing amounts of migration to Portland as a safe haven for shit that other cities just won’t put up with, its popularity has risen to record highs. However, this spike in popularity has caused a massive migration of Portland’s signature hipster population. When asked where they were going they responded: “Some little town you’ve probably never heard of.” The hoard of mustachioed men and women riding recumbent unicycles was last seen heading north on what they would only call “The road less traveled.”

Keep your local authorities informed; report any hipster sightings immediately, lest they open up an ironically themed futuristic antiques store near you… If you need help, refer to our handy guide!

SEATTLE RUNNING AN ORCA SEX-SLAVE RING

April 27, 2015, SEATTLE, WA [HOTBED OF SIN]

Many of you will recall the exposé The Pattison Chronicle ran a few months back detailing the atrocities perpetrated by the Vancouver BC ferry companies against orca whales. If you need a refresher, or just want to support the cause, you can re-read the article here: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html. While many of us thought that the orca slavery industry had fallen on hard times (probably as a direct result of our staff harassing ferry captains), a recent excursion into Seattle has proved otherwise.

Will the exploitation ever end?

It was a typical Saturday night, walking home, the Mariners had lost, and everything seemed normal, until I came across this sign:

Notice how the orca's dorsal fin is erect to indicate arousal. Sick bastards.

At first glance, it might appear to be only a transportation system whimsically themed after one of nature’s most powerful and awe-inspiring creatures, but in truth, it is something far more sinister. The sign reads “Tap Orca Here”. The Seattle Transit Authority will argue that tapping an “Orca Card” will merely result in payment for transportation. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The sign is a simple invitation to those who wish to find companionship in the form of an orca. “Tap Orcas” or simply Prostitorcas as they are commonly known, are majestic beasts that can be rented out for pennies using an “Orca Card” and used for nefarious sexual purposes.

Artwork indicating an orca brothel is nearby. Photo Credit: Citizen Journalist in Training, Shaun del Rosario

We reached out to the Seattle Transit Authority for a statement, but all we received was a form letter stating that our claims were both “frivolous” and “childish”. If our accusations are so childish, why hide? The evidence is piling up surrounding this shadow organization, and the ice is close to breaking. In the next month, The Pattison Chronicle will be releasing several articles detailing the injustices occurring in the name of public transportation in the heart of Seattle. So stay tuned, tell your friends, and for the love of God subscribe. Our egos cannot be maintained on hubris alone. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Protector of Porpoises, Vigilante Journalist

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.

MAC TURBINE, HAMMER FARM

Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 
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