Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Pumpkins Found to be Highly Intelligent


Earlier this morning a group of fringe botanists revealed the results of a ten year longitudinal study regarding the intellectual capacity of holiday squashes. In a press conference this morning, Dr. Jack Olantern (he legally changed it, because botany), said the following: "After many years of study, it is now clear that pumpkins are among some of the most highly intelligent creatures on this planet. While we are not able to classify them into a species at this time, we can assure you that they are living, and possibly more intelligent than we are."

This sent a shock wave through the scientific community, with most calling the research preposterous and unfounded, but a few lovable drunkards calling it revolutionary. The research is based off of the findings that pumpkins are able to display a wide range of emotions through a process known as "carving". A pumpkin will only express one emotion in it's lifetime, making them a deep, intellectual race. Pop psychologists have already begun examining an emotional attachment style that involves only showing one expression to one's partner over a lifetime. Early results are promising, and will likely be published in the prestigious journal of Cosmo in the coming months.

The study was conducted with a representative group of both white and orange colored pumpkins, with diameters between 20-45 centimeters. While no replications have been run, the scientists are highly confident that future naturalistic observation will yield similar results. In the meantime, PETA has already begun protesting the grotesque treatment of the pumpkin species, and will likely be holding rallies to interrupt traditional Halloween shenanigans, as well as what may now be the monstrosity of pumpkin spice lattes.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Empire Contractors Union Reveals New Death Star Design


First Order troops gather for the christening of Star Killer Base
In a bold move on Sunday afternoon, The First Order (formerly The Galactic Empire), unveiled its plans for the newest in a short line of planet-destroying space stations. Simply titled Star Killer (the budget went to giant death lasers), this hulking behemoth is very similar to previous designs built by The Empire, and it's leaving some with a lack of faith that First Order chief advisers find to be disturbing. Mainly, concerns are coming over a massive trench that runs across the entire mid section of the space station, and is wide enough for a star destroyer to cross through comfortably. Many will remember the downfall of the previous death stars being trench related, and as such, this design is raising more than a few eye brows.

First Order commanders have already spoke out to the indestructible nature of Star Killer Base, saying that the trench is guarded by a nearly impenetrable force field, as well as squadrons of tie fighters, described as highly trained in marksmanship (a skill that they usually struggle with). However, hourly employed storm troopers have expressed deep hesitation with a lack of safety aboard the craft. This stems from the fact that it is built by the same set of contractors as the original two, mostly due to union rights, and that the aesthetic look is nearly identical. "It's just hard to feel safe when it looks so similar to the first two. Our life benefits aren't that great, and I've got a rancor fighting debt with the Hutts that needs to be paid, or my family is at risk," said a infantry storm trooper, who asked to remain nameless.

The contracting company is head up by former Pod Racer Ody Mandrell, who started the business after the lucrative racing scene became defunct following the Clone Wars. In a statement made to the public, he assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about, and that while the aesthetic is similar, the larger trench makes it more difficult to locate weak spots. His contracting company was recently plagued by controversy for the faulty design of the AT-AT unit, once again leading to the deaths of hundreds of imperial pilots. No word yet, on whether or not these units will be recalled from the battlefront.

For more breaking news from the galaxy far far away keep reading The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to help our news spread by sharing stories you like on Facebook and Twitter.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief E

ditor, Womp Rat Skeet Enthusiast,  and Empirial Architecture Skepticist

Monday, October 12, 2015

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Guide to Creating Political Arguments

There's been a lot of buzz the past few days over a chart presented by anti-abortion representative Jason Chaffetz (See Chart Here). We here at The Pattison Chronicle didn't think it was fair for highly trained political obfuscators to have a leg-up on our readers, so we've put together another one of our world famous guides to help you understand. Behold:


Step 1: 
Pick the point you want to make. For our purposes we will be using the point that Justin Bieber has lead to the systematic destruction of the American way of life (you could really pick anyone for this).

Step 2: 
Link something to your point that helps strengthen your cause. This can be done with spurious correlations, unrelated factoids, or just plain lying. For our example, Justin Bieber is the same height as Hitler (100% True), would you let hitler sing to your kids?

Step 3:
Present your findings in a seemingly meaninful fashion. Here we have included a graph correlating attacks by ISIS with Justin Bieber record sales.

Step 4: 
Vehemently defend your point even in the face of overwhelming evidence against it. This part is key, as if you don't, people will think you are stupid.

That's it, you should have all you need to create your own ludicrous argument, and piss off your neighbors. Remember, stick to your point, and never surrender to logic! Be sure to share any campaigns that you create using our system with us on Facebook and Twitter. Without you we're just alone in a studio apartment with a cat (our headquarters), and that's no way to live.