December 9, 2015 MOUNT RAINIER NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON
Over the past week, intense weather patterns have led to over 15 feet of snow accumulating on Mount Rainer. Skiers and snowboarders have been rejoicing at the potential of a year where they might actually be able to visit the mountain, and children have begun planning tubing trips into the foothills. All in all, it looks to be a good year for business owners, with record snowfall, bringing in droves of rich dentists (or whoever the hell can afford to ski). However, not all is well. With the snow totals increasing to record levels, some concerned government officials have begun to warn of an imminent danger. Global warming may be the delusional popular threat to campaign about this year, but with rapid (but natural) climate change, the one thing we clearly have to worry about is yeti immigration.
With the foothills of Rainier looking more and more like the base of the alps every day, immigrants will soon be pouring in by the thousands. Already the Swiss Matterhorn has noticed a drop in their yeti population, and it will not be long before they are on our doorstep. To be clear, this is not condemning yetis as a population, but in order to better protect the safety of this great country, many government officials are calling for a straight ban on visas for yetis, just until the situation can be figured out.
Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke on the matter yesterday stating: “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension [speaking on the tendency for yetis to maul mountain climbers when their territory is encroached upon.] Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by yetis that believe only in Snowhad [a yeti word for holy war against those who climb mountains in bright jackets], and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”
Yetis have a strong cultural history of violence (as evidenced by the two or three that keep attacking people), and are a menace on every mountain that they inhabit. A group of cultural psychologists (liberals) are currently trying to advocate unsuccessfully to retain the open border policy that the United States has maintained with yetis for many years. “Our native sasquatch was once an immigrant too, and look at the economic boom he’s brought local wood carvers and the History Channel. By locking these creatures out of our country, we’re doing ourselves and the nation a great disservice,” said Dr. Renee Pollicker in an address to the Washington State legislative office this morning. She also sighted evidence of hikers stories about sharing picnics with the large ape, and the creature’s primarily docile nature.
Unfortunately, the lives of those in our country can’t be put at risk based on the good behavior of one member of the species. The only sensible solution is to keep all of the yetis out, until proper relocation services are available. Senator Mitch McConnell has already put forth a bill in the senate which will help set up relocation sites where yetis can live without bothering the area’s local inhabitants. He has also stated that to help save the country’s budget (that’s right liberals, we’re not made of money), the camps will be built with leftover, recycled pieces of the U.S.-Mexico border wall.
For more information on yeti immigration and other hot political issues, keep it tuned to The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to tweet your support for the #NotMyMountain campaign, and write to your local congressperson.
-Ashton Macaulay, Skier, Middle-Class American, and Raging Liberal