Large Snowfall Brings Threat of Immigration

December 9, 2015 MOUNT RAINIER NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON

Over the past week, intense weather patterns have led to over 15 feet of snow accumulating on Mount Rainer. Skiers and snowboarders have been rejoicing at the potential of a year where they might actually be able to visit the mountain, and children have begun planning tubing trips into the foothills. All in all, it looks to be a good year for business owners, with record snowfall, bringing in droves of rich dentists (or whoever the hell can afford to ski). However, not all is well. With the snow totals increasing to record levels, some concerned government officials have begun to warn of an imminent danger. Global warming may be the delusional popular threat to campaign about this year, but with rapid (but natural) climate change, the one thing we clearly have to worry about is yeti immigration.

With the foothills of Rainier looking more and more like the base of the alps every day, immigrants will soon be pouring in by the thousands. Already the Swiss Matterhorn has noticed a drop in their yeti population, and it will not be long before they are on our doorstep. To be clear, this is not condemning yetis as a population, but in order to better protect the safety of this great country, many government officials are calling for a straight ban on visas for yetis, just until the situation can be figured out.

Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke on the matter yesterday stating: “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension [speaking on the tendency for yetis to maul mountain climbers when their territory is encroached upon.] Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by yetis that believe only in Snowhad [a yeti word for holy war against those who climb mountains in bright jackets], and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”

Yetis have a strong cultural history of violence (as evidenced by the two or three that keep attacking people), and are a menace on every mountain that they inhabit. A group of cultural psychologists (liberals) are currently trying to advocate unsuccessfully to retain the open border policy that the United States has maintained with yetis for many years. “Our native sasquatch was once an immigrant too, and look at the economic boom he’s brought local wood carvers and the History Channel. By locking these creatures out of our country, we’re doing ourselves and the nation a great disservice,” said Dr. Renee Pollicker in an address to the Washington State legislative office this morning. She also sighted evidence of hikers stories about sharing picnics with the large ape, and the creature’s primarily docile nature.

Unfortunately, the lives of those in our country can’t be put at risk based on the good behavior of one member of the species. The only sensible solution is to keep all of the yetis out, until proper relocation services are available. Senator Mitch McConnell has already put forth a bill in the senate which will help set up relocation sites where yetis can live without bothering the area’s local inhabitants. He has also stated that to help save the country’s budget (that’s right liberals, we’re not made of money), the camps will be built with leftover, recycled pieces of the U.S.-Mexico border wall.

For more information on yeti immigration and other hot political issues, keep it tuned to The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to tweet your support for the #NotMyMountain campaign, and write to your local congressperson.

-Ashton Macaulay, Skier, Middle-Class American, and Raging Liberal 

Electric Car Motors Linked to Increased Gun Violence

DECEMBER 2 2015, PATTISON HEADQUARTERS, REDMOND WASHINGTON

First, let me say that it’s been a while, and that we are truly sorry for our absence. There is no doubt that your minds have gone to mush without the sultry sweet tunes of our hard facts to rock out to. Fear not, we are back, and with a hell of a story to boot. What forced us off of the white sand beaches of Curacao, away from the drunken acrobatic monkeys and whiskey fueled tropical parties? The answer is simple; the liberals are at it again…

Over the past few weeks the Hilary/Bernie/Obama (pick a damned candidate) propaganda machine has been spinning lies aimed at taking down the gun industry (sorry that you didn’t buy stock in Winchester). In an attempt to drive attention away from the clear presidential frontrunner King Donald Trump, the left wing media has seen fit to drum up a bunch of negative publicity for America’s favorite pastime guns.

Let us start by saying yes, the incidents occurring over the past few weeks have been terrible, but the lax regulations in the firearm industry are not to blame. While the liberals would have you believe that a couple of homicidal zealots gunned down people as a result of misinformation and misguided rage, it is simply not true. The answer is actually quite a simple one: Magnetic radiation from Tesla’s new electric cars is cooking perfectly sane minds and turning them into killing machines.

A top scientist at The Pattison’s privately funded Dartmouth University Minneapolis Branch published a paper earlier this week that has been all but ignored in the media. In this paper he writes “Due to the magnetic nature of the electric car’s battery, dangerous waves and particles have been leaking into the atmosphere and producing brain damage.” He goes on to provide test results from a sample of three homeless, white, males between the ages of 18 and 25, who all experienced unusual thoughts when sat next to a Tesla motor vehicle for over an hour. The paper ends with a stirring call to action “If we cannot stop these inventions of death from finding their ways into the hands of our citizens, then we as a nation are doomed. Buy Ford, and remember, oil has never been greener.”

*Note that all correlations are spurious and as such should be taken extremely serious.

Protestors have already begun to accumulate outside Nikola Tesla’s house in Croatia, to request a halt on all manufacturing of future products. Unfortunately, the company has no ties to Nikola, but the hearts of the angry mob are in the right place, and for that, we give them the Pattison Seal of Approval. Remember, the key to change is activism. If you feel that you have been inadvertently coerced into murder, arson, public indecency or other criminal behavior while within a fifty-mile radius of a Tesla vehicle, tell the world. Ignorance is the sickness that plagues a weak nation, and we can be stronger than that. Put your foot in the way of progress and say “Enough is enough!”

The Pattison Chronicle will be returning to a semi-regular posting schedule, to avoid any further international or domestic conflicts. Keep checking our website, share our knowledge with your friends, and remember to follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

Ashton Macaulay, Sparker of Ill-Conceived Protest Movements & Chief Executive Editor/Writer/Photoshopper  

City of Seattle Funds Psychiatric Volcanology

September 8th, 2015 SEATTLE, WA

Seattle, city of rain, passive-aggressive homeless, and of course, a massive volcano waiting to kill us all. For anyone who has not read our article on volcano awareness, allow me to give you a quick recap: When Mount Rainer finally decides it’s had enough, we’re all done for. Luckily, the Seattle City Council has opted to do something about it, because for obvious reasons, volcanoes are the city’s number one concern.

Beginning fall 2016, Seattle will start providing research grants for PhD students willing to study Psychiatric Volcanology. “It’s clear now that our neighbor Mount Rainier is emotionally unstable, and the fact of the matter is that our geologists can’t do anything about it. They can predict when it might blow, and develop evacuation plans, but we need to stop this at the source,” said Seattle mayor Ed Murray.

Psychiatric Volcanologists will focus on the emotional states of past volcanoes, examining modern day case studies like the Bi-Polar Kilauea, all the way to Manic Depressive Pompeii. Through examination of the past, it is hoped that scientists will be able further identify risk factors for the mountains in the Pacific North West, as well as treatment plans to help keep them stable. University of Washington has already announced its support for the plan, stating that they have begun immediate construction on a combined geology and psychology department science center, slated to begin accepting students next fall.

Still from the Pixar Documentary Lava(2015)

The whole plan will cost Seattle tax-payers a paltry $150 million dollars over the next four years. We here at The Pattison Chronicle are happy to finally see the government take action on the important issues, and will gladly be contributing to the cause. What do you think of the new program? Will you become one of the first Volcanic Psychologists? Tell us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

Seattle to Launch a Series of Attack Ads Against Portland

July 29, 2015 SEATTLE WA,  PATTISON CHRONICLE HEADQUARTERS

Seattle has been receiving a lot of negative press in the news lately. Whether it’s massive earthquakes hell-bent on destroying the city, basic violations of human rights by the police force, or massive rent spikes increasing gentrification to obscene levels, Seattle just can’t seem to catch a break. In the wake of the negative PR, Mayor Ed Murray gave a speech this afternoon announcing a plan to steer Seattle back on the path to greatness. That plan involves running a series of attack ads against Seattle’s rival city of Portland Oregon.

Mayor Murray closed today’s historic speech with the line, “Seattle needs to be reminded of how great it truly is, and if the citizens can’t see that, they at least need to know that we’re better than Portland.” The city council then unveiled the designs for the billboards which will be put up all along the I-5 corridor from “Vancouver to Vancouver.” For those who are unaware, the second Vancouver is a small mistake of a town located just north of Portland.

The ad rollout will cost the city of Seattle close to 14 million dollars, but the city financial analysts claim that with the fistfuls of money that they’re making off property, “it just doesn’t really matter.”

Sadly accurate. You don't want to know what our new offices cost...

What do you think of the new ads? Should Portland be angry? Is there really a second Vancouver? Let us know in the comments below, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or throw a brick through our window, we’re willing to throw down.

--Ashton Macaulay, Manager of The Pattison Chronicle, Recent Seattleite. 

Seattle to Provide New Form of Low Income Housing

July 20, 2015 SEATTLE WA

It’s no secret that Seattle’s rent prices have skyrocketed over the last year, driving many inhabitants to flee the city in search of less exorbitant rates (not looking at you Portland…) In the current conditions, a 450-foot studio with a  view of a piss-stained Chipotle in the greater Seattle area runs around $1,200 a month. If this seems a little steep, don’t panic, because Seattle has a plan for you!

Artist's rendering of new Low Income Housing Units

The Seattle Housing and Industry Tribunal recently announced that they would be creating a series of low-income developments in the University District as well as Downtown. These units will provide smaller than average living conditions, with fewer amenities, but will only charge $700 a month. “The units will be sparse, but will provide affordable and stylish housing to those who really need it,” says Richard Whole, head of the Functional Underpass initiative. Through use of minimal state funds, the initiative hopes to be up and running in the next six months.

You've seen the floor-plans and images of the proposed units. What do you think? Does this help alleviate the massive rent problem Seattle has been facing? The Pattison Chronicle says yes!

--Ashton Macaulay, 899/month Income Reduced Rent Payer, B

ox Domicile Inhabitant

Weatherman Loses His Shit

JULY 13, 2015 FUTURE SITE OF NORTH POLE, FLORIDA

This swirling vortex of death brought to you by Liberalism!

If you’ve been reading the headlines in the side of your Facebook feed (probably our most accurate news source) lately, then you may have noticed the abnormal amount of doomsday weather predictions. In the past two weeks, scientists have predicted mass extinction, mini-ice age, and a series of killer storms that will hydrate Californians to unprecedented levels (http://tinyurl.com/nm6kutv Mini Ice Age Link). With all of this unprecedented news, it’s no surprise that weathermen/women have begun to lose their shit.

Typically, meteorologists go on the air for about five minutes, speculate wildly about super-storms, and then go get drunk at the local bar. Unfortunately, recent scientific predictions about doomsday have put meteorologists under a lot of pressure to make more accurate guesses regarding extreme weather. FOX  news meteorologist Rick Reichmuth went on the air last night to announce that a storm of fireballs would wipe out the heathen state of Washington for their liberal sins, and was quoted as saying “It’s a long shot, but f*** it, we’re all dead anyway.”

The Pattison Chronicle does not put much stock in Reichmuth’s claims, but we will be selling lead-lined umbrellas at our Seattle branch starting July 25. Remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

--Ashton Macaulay, Wearer of Tinfoil Hats, Amateur Meteorologist, Future Igloo Owner