Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Seattle to Launch a Series of Attack Ads Against Portland


Seattle has been receiving a lot of negative press in the news lately. Whether it’s massive earthquakes hell-bent on destroying the city, basic violations of human rights by the police force, or massive rent spikes increasing gentrification to obscene levels, Seattle just can’t seem to catch a break. In the wake of the negative PR, Mayor Ed Murray gave a speech this afternoon announcing a plan to steer Seattle back on the path to greatness. That plan involves running a series of attack ads against Seattle’s rival city of Portland Oregon.

Mayor Murray closed today’s historic speech with the line, “Seattle needs to be reminded of how great it truly is, and if the citizens can’t see that, they at least need to know that we’re better than Portland.” The city council then unveiled the designs for the billboards which will be put up all along the I-5 corridor from “Vancouver to Vancouver.” For those who are unaware, the second Vancouver is a small mistake of a town located just north of Portland.

The ad rollout will cost the city of Seattle close to 14 million dollars, but the city financial analysts claim that with the fistfuls of money that they’re making off property, “it just doesn’t really matter.”

Sadly accurate. You don't want to know what our new offices cost...
What do you think of the new ads? Should Portland be angry? Is there really a second Vancouver? Let us know in the comments below, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or throw a brick through our window, we’re willing to throw down.

--Ashton Macaulay, Manager of The Pattison Chronicle, Recent Seattleite. 

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