July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY
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| Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. |
Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope
Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for
all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony
this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.
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| In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes. |
Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love
of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that
they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other
religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most
recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering
the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.
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| Blessed be thy dice... |
When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my
back.”
--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell
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