July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY
|Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country.|
Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.
|In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.|
Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.
|Blessed be thy dice...|
When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.”
--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell