Thursday, July 2, 2015

Pope Loses Vatican Splendors in Dice Game

July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY

Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. 
Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.

Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.
Blessed be thy dice...

When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.” 

--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell

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