JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]
If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.
Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”
These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…
--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles