Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

Man Loses Battle with Tech Support

AUGUST 25TH, SEATTLE, WA

Sad news today as it appears that local Seattleite Randy Craig has lost the battle with tech support. Doctors arrived at the Craig residence this morning to find Randy dead, and still listening to the customer support hold music. The King County coroner’s office has ruled the death accidental, as no one at the customer support hotline actually knew that Randy was on hold.

The incident began when Randy called tech support after recently updating his computer. The call log shows that he went through 53 automated menus, and was transferred a total of 10 times, before he was put on hold for 3 days. “We can’t be sure what killed him in the end, but signs point to the holding music.” The music shifts every three minutes to give the customer the illusion that something is changing on the other end. Mr. Craig called from a cellular phone, which allowed him to be exposed to the music for the entire duration of the call (over 36 hours) “Hold music toxicity levels tend to peak around 3 hours. It’s a miracle he lasted as long as he did.”

Humorous image of our non-existent tech support team inserted to break up an otherwise dark article.  

 Doctors are urging the public to exercise safe tech support habits. You can find a promotional poster below that shows how to stay safe while waiting on hold.

Seattle to Provide New Form of Low Income Housing

July 20, 2015 SEATTLE WA

It’s no secret that Seattle’s rent prices have skyrocketed over the last year, driving many inhabitants to flee the city in search of less exorbitant rates (not looking at you Portland…) In the current conditions, a 450-foot studio with a  view of a piss-stained Chipotle in the greater Seattle area runs around $1,200 a month. If this seems a little steep, don’t panic, because Seattle has a plan for you!

Artist's rendering of new Low Income Housing Units

The Seattle Housing and Industry Tribunal recently announced that they would be creating a series of low-income developments in the University District as well as Downtown. These units will provide smaller than average living conditions, with fewer amenities, but will only charge $700 a month. “The units will be sparse, but will provide affordable and stylish housing to those who really need it,” says Richard Whole, head of the Functional Underpass initiative. Through use of minimal state funds, the initiative hopes to be up and running in the next six months.

You've seen the floor-plans and images of the proposed units. What do you think? Does this help alleviate the massive rent problem Seattle has been facing? The Pattison Chronicle says yes!

--Ashton Macaulay, 899/month Income Reduced Rent Payer, B

ox Domicile Inhabitant

"The Big One" or "The Big Hoax?"

JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]

He may look cute, but he wants to bury you, and your
heathen belief system.

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.

Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”

These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…

--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!