Top 5 Star Wars SPOILERS!!!!

Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education, because you’re going to learn something today.

1. There’s Full Frontal Han

Look at that tasteful leather.

Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.

2. Pod Racing is Back

Sorry lil Annie, just no.

J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will surely please fans.

3. All of the Main Characters are CG

Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier...

In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.

4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters

Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me good.

5. That end credits scene

Summer 2017

There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the franchise.

--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General

Empire Contractors Union Reveals New Death Star Design

October 19th, DEATH STAR, ALDERAAN DUST CLOUD

First Order troops gather for the christening of Star Killer Base

In a bold move on Sunday afternoon, The First Order (formerly The Galactic Empire), unveiled its plans for the newest in a short line of planet-destroying space stations. Simply titled Star Killer (the budget went to giant death lasers), this hulking behemoth is very similar to previous designs built by The Empire, and it's leaving some with a lack of faith that First Order chief advisers find to be disturbing. Mainly, concerns are coming over a massive trench that runs across the entire mid section of the space station, and is wide enough for a star destroyer to cross through comfortably. Many will remember the downfall of the previous death stars being trench related, and as such, this design is raising more than a few eye brows.

First Order commanders have already spoke out to the indestructible nature of Star Killer Base, saying that the trench is guarded by a nearly impenetrable force field, as well as squadrons of tie fighters, described as highly trained in marksmanship (a skill that they usually struggle with). However, hourly employed storm troopers have expressed deep hesitation with a lack of safety aboard the craft. This stems from the fact that it is built by the same set of contractors as the original two, mostly due to union rights, and that the aesthetic look is nearly identical. "It's just hard to feel safe when it looks so similar to the first two. Our life benefits aren't that great, and I've got a rancor fighting debt with the Hutts that needs to be paid, or my family is at risk," said a infantry storm trooper, who asked to remain nameless.

The contracting company is head up by former Pod Racer Ody Mandrell, who started the business after the lucrative racing scene became defunct following the Clone Wars. In a statement made to the public, he assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about, and that while the aesthetic is similar, the larger trench makes it more difficult to locate weak spots. His contracting company was recently plagued by controversy for the faulty design of the AT-AT unit, once again leading to the deaths of hundreds of imperial pilots. No word yet, on whether or not these units will be recalled from the battlefront.

For more breaking news from the galaxy far far away keep reading The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to help our news spread by sharing stories you like on Facebook and Twitter.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief E


ditor, Womp Rat Skeet Enthusiast,  and Empirial Architecture Skepticist

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.

MAC TURBINE, HAMMER FARM

Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 
5. 
   
   
   
   

A Song of Mice and Fire?

A Song of Mice and Fire...

February 11^th, 2014 THE NORTH, WESTEROS

"So Mickey falls off the Matterohorn..." A Song of Mice and Fire

George R.R. Martin announced today that he has signed a contract with Disney’s animated division to pen the script for their newest Princess film. Disney has been looking to pump some new blood into their universe as the company is still recovering from the box office bomb that was Frozen. Bob Iger (Disney CEO & Possibly Sauron) has said that they want to step away from the ill-conceived fantasy world of previous movies, by stepping into a more grounded and dramatic territory.

As for what the film will look like, we can only speculate. Martin was unable to comment on the movie’s content or characters, so we’ve opted for well-thought-out speculative memes instead…

This new princess film is currently slated for a 2016 release, but this date has been described as “extremely flexible”. Disney already plans to follow up with a set of sequels in 2018 and 2020, although these dates are also flexible, with Martin’s agent saying: “There could be two years between, there could be sixteen, but it will be worth it.” We’ll continue to follow up with more information as it becomes available. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Red Wedding Co-Conspirator,&  Payer of Debts

Vaccinations: Dangerous Government Plot or Source of the Xmen?

February 5, 2015 BELLINGHAM, WA

The recent outbreak of diseases (Ebola, west-nile virus, typhoid, plague, etc…) in Disney’s West-African country of Adventureland has prompted a serious debate into the nature of vaccinations. Were the chaos, pandemonium, death, decay, and harm to children really caused by parents’ choices not to vaccinate? While we can’t be a hundred percent sure (we can be), The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best to examine what exactly vaccinations are so as to better educate the public!

5 Things You Should Know About Vaccinations

1. Sure, some people (Jenny McCarthy, hope we didn’t spell that right) say that vaccines cause autism (they don’t), but what they never talk about is the benefits of non-vaccination (there are none). I'm pretty sure Barry Allen never got vaccinated and look what happened!

Pending DC Comics Lawsuit

2. Vaccinations are actually just made with orange juice at different levels of decomposition (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, big pharma needs the money).

New slogan for orange juice pending

3. Charlie Sheen doesn’t get his kids vaccinated (that one’s actually true), and everyone knows the cool kids love The Sheen. Hop on the Sheen train everybody!

No caption necessary

4. The Iron Lung might sound like a cool superhero name, and it totally is.

If Ralph on The Simpsons would say it, you know it's bad.

5. Finally, vaccinations are manufactured by the devil (Bible et al., 0).

Avenged Sevenfold had some hits right? And non-vaccinating is so not metal...

All in all it’s up to the people to decide what they want to do, but I can say this: For every reader who provides proof of their child’s vaccination, I will donate $1 to the Save the Tow Orcas Foundation (most certainly not run by me). I hope you have found this as educational and intellectually arousing as I have!

--Dr. Buncher, Pattison Chronicle on Staff Dr., Registered Plastic Surgeon, and Horse   

Adventureland Quarantined Due to Measles Outbreak

The now closed customs in Adventureland

January 10^th, 2015. ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

In the wake of a series of increasingly viral diseases in Disneyland, park management has begun to take preventative measures. The West African colony of Adventureland has been quarantined, with its inhabitants stuck there for the foreseeable future. Mac Turbine reports from the field.

MAC TURBINE, OUTSIDE ADVENTURELAND, WEST AFRICA, CALIFORNIA

Mandatory scary Ebola picture.

It’s a scene of absolute chaos here in the border town of Main Street USA. Foreign aid churro stands have been wheeling in and out of Adventureland all day, providing what little they can to those quarantined inside. While initially measles was the only suspected outbreak, our senior viral analyst (and 10 time dog show winner) now suspects that there may be strains of Ebola, West-Nile virus, and Jumping Shingles as well.

Original reports suggested that the disease may have been brought in by park guests, but later investigation pointed to the cesspool that is The Jungle Cruise. With combined living spaces for a myriad of African animals, this attraction has always been a disaster waiting to happen…

One thing is for sure, the mouse will not be letting anyone out until the country has let the diseases run their course.

--Mac Turbine, Reporter in the Field and Amateur Zoologist