February 5, 2015 BELLINGHAM, WA
The recent outbreak of diseases (Ebola, west-nile virus, typhoid, plague, etc…) in Disney’s West-African country of Adventureland has prompted a serious debate into the nature of vaccinations. Were the chaos, pandemonium, death, decay, and harm to children really caused by parents’ choices not to vaccinate? While we can’t be a hundred percent sure (we can be), The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best to examine what exactly vaccinations are so as to better educate the public!
5 Things You Should Know About Vaccinations
1. Sure, some people (Jenny McCarthy, hope we didn’t spell that right) say that vaccines cause autism (they don’t), but what they never talk about is the benefits of non-vaccination (there are none). I'm pretty sure Barry Allen never got vaccinated and look what happened!
|Pending DC Comics Lawsuit|
2. Vaccinations are actually just made with orange juice at different levels of decomposition (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, big pharma needs the money).
|New slogan for orange juice pending|
3. Charlie Sheen doesn’t get his kids vaccinated (that one’s actually true), and everyone knows the cool kids love The Sheen. Hop on the Sheen train everybody!
|No caption necessary|
4. The Iron Lung might sound like a cool
superhero name, and it totally is.
|If Ralph on The Simpsons would say it, you know it's bad.|
5. Finally, vaccinations are manufactured by the devil (Bible et al., 0).
|Avenged Sevenfold had some hits right? And non-vaccinating is so not metal...|
All in all it’s up to the people to decide what they want to do, but I can say this: For every reader who provides proof of their child’s vaccination, I will donate $1 to the Save the Tow Orcas Foundation (most certainly not run by me). I hope you have found this as educational and intellectually arousing as I have!
--Dr. Buncher, Pattison Chronicle on Staff Dr., Registered Plastic Surgeon, and Horse