Thursday, February 26, 2015

Comcast Resorts to Physical Threats after Net Neutrality Ruling


The FCC today voted in favor of Net Neutrality, making it impossible for internet providers such as Comcast (assholes) to slow down speeds of websites such as Netflix (the one true God, resurrector of Arrested Development), if they refuse to pay protection money. Many internet users are very happy about this ruling (as it will keep their porn speeds from slowing), but there is a darker side.

Comcast has always maintained its image as a monopoly that is not to be fucked with, and when their surreptitious (not really) methods of shaking down internet companies for money are taken away the result is bloody. While Comcast may not be able to slow down broadband speeds they can still physically contact the owners of companies such as Youtube or Hulu (careful out there guys). It may not be a coincidence that today Comcast put out an open hiring post for “Men with lots of muscles, shaved heads, and ill-tempers”.

He looks friendly enough.
Comcast wishes to assure its customers that “We are not taking these measures as a means of attack, but as a means of defense. You’ll still see the same installation technician, but they will also be trained in martial arts, just as a precaution.”

"I've given you all the CAT5 cables I have! What else do you want?!"
Also this afternoon Comcast “power-cycled” the internet, by turning off all of their servers for sixty seconds and then turning them on again. “It’s what our customer service representative recommended, and in no way was meant to be seen as a power play to those who think they can get away with consistent internet speeds for a consistent price.” The outage only lasted for a minute or so, but the message was clear: Don’t screw with the powers at be, blindly pay your cable bill and look the other way.

We here at The Pattison Chronicle support net neutrality (no more throttling when I try to watch House of Cards in my bathtub, with a pint of ice cream, whilst simultaneously streaming old presidential addresses on my 3 multimedia devices, live tweeting the event on my xbox, and uploading the entire debacle to Youtube at 1080p resolution).

--Ashton Macaulay, Internet User, Somalian Pirate, and Giver of ‘0’ fucks

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