The FCC today voted in favor of Net Neutrality, making it
impossible for internet providers such as Comcast (assholes) to slow down
speeds of websites such as Netflix (the one true God, resurrector of Arrested
Development), if they refuse to pay protection money. Many internet users are
very happy about this ruling (as it will keep their porn speeds from slowing),
but there is a darker side.
Comcast has always maintained its image as a monopoly that
is not to be fucked with, and when their surreptitious (not really) methods of
shaking down internet companies for money are taken away the result is bloody.
While Comcast may not be able to slow down broadband speeds they can still
physically contact the owners of companies such as Youtube or Hulu (careful out
there guys). It may not be a coincidence that today Comcast put out an open
hiring post for “Men with lots of muscles, shaved heads, and ill-tempers”.
 |
| He looks friendly enough. |
Comcast wishes to assure its customers that “We are not
taking these measures as a means of attack, but as a means of defense. You’ll
still see the same installation technician, but they will also be trained in
martial arts, just as a precaution.”
 |
| "I've given you all the CAT5 cables I have! What else do you want?!" |
Also this afternoon Comcast “power-cycled” the internet, by
turning off all of their servers for sixty seconds and then turning them on
again. “It’s what our customer service representative recommended, and in no
way was meant to be seen as a power play to those who think they can get away
with consistent internet speeds for a consistent price.” The outage only lasted
for a minute or so, but the message was clear: Don’t screw with the powers at
be, blindly pay your cable bill and look the other way.
We here at The Pattison Chronicle support net neutrality (no
more throttling when I try to watch House of Cards in my bathtub, with a pint
of ice cream, whilst simultaneously streaming old presidential addresses on my
3 multimedia devices, live tweeting the event on my xbox, and uploading the
entire debacle to Youtube at 1080p resolution).
--Ashton Macaulay, Internet User, Somalian Pirate, and Giver
of ‘0’ fucks
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