Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars:
The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The
Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and
rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top
five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education,
because you’re going to learn something today.
1. There’s Full Frontal Han
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| Look at that tasteful leather. |
Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away
with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han
fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful
shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns
while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.
2. Pod Racing is Back
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| Sorry lil Annie, just no. |
J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force
Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from
the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to
come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father
to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all
culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of
racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will
surely please fans.
3. All of the Main Characters are CG
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| Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier... |
In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably
different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic
clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised
with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are
rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.
4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters
Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new
generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene
these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s
capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too
many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me
good.
5. That end credits scene
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| Summer 2017 |
There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s
going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the
film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated
to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second
pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars
Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has
also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the
franchise.
--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General
