ISIS Invades Tunisian City

MARCH 25^th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT

Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!

Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams

God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy

This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.

We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations. 

A Song of Mice and Fire?

A Song of Mice and Fire...

February 11^th, 2014 THE NORTH, WESTEROS

"So Mickey falls off the Matterohorn..." A Song of Mice and Fire

George R.R. Martin announced today that he has signed a contract with Disney’s animated division to pen the script for their newest Princess film. Disney has been looking to pump some new blood into their universe as the company is still recovering from the box office bomb that was Frozen. Bob Iger (Disney CEO & Possibly Sauron) has said that they want to step away from the ill-conceived fantasy world of previous movies, by stepping into a more grounded and dramatic territory.

As for what the film will look like, we can only speculate. Martin was unable to comment on the movie’s content or characters, so we’ve opted for well-thought-out speculative memes instead…

This new princess film is currently slated for a 2016 release, but this date has been described as “extremely flexible”. Disney already plans to follow up with a set of sequels in 2018 and 2020, although these dates are also flexible, with Martin’s agent saying: “There could be two years between, there could be sixteen, but it will be worth it.” We’ll continue to follow up with more information as it becomes available. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Red Wedding Co-Conspirator,&  Payer of Debts

Universal Rebooting Harry Potter Series

February 9th, 2015 HOLLYWOOD, CA

Today Universal made what will no doubt become one of their most controversial announcements today; they are rebooting the beloved Harry Potter series to better appeal to young audiences. “Young audiences don’t want the old Harry Potter anymore; the special effects have become outdated and campy. What new fans want to see is a grittier, more realistic Harry Potter…”

While the VP of Universal couldn’t discuss many of the changes, they did tease some of the major changes coming to the Potter Universe. First, the series will no longer feature magic, saying that the concept was both unrealistic and passé. This move allows them to reach a broader (more fundamentally religious) population. “Rather than a school for magic, Hogwarts is going to be a school for martial arts and business management training…”

Second, there’s going to be a lot more passion, death, and sex. “While we don’t want Harry Potter to be a ‘blood orgy’ like Game of Thrones…” An apparently popular TV series (I’ve never heard of it) “We do want to embrace some of the more mature themes in the universe.” The VP said further that we can expect the death of Harry’s parents to feel more like a ‘gangland assassination’ as opposed to the whimsical magic murder currently portrayed.

One thing is for sure, we’re all still going to see it. Do you like the changes? Is it too much? Sound off in the comments on Twitter with the hashtag #PotterGate!

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, and Ex-Aspiring Wizard