MARCH 25th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT
|Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!|
Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.
1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot
Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.
Who? J.J. Abrams
|God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...|
The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.
What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.
2. ISIS is building a Death Star
|It does look pretty terroristy|
This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.
We’ll have more on this as it develops…
--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations.