Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

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We speculate on ISIS's plans for Tunisia
ISIS Documentary Snubbed
ISIS to Host Children's Show

ISIS Invades Tunisian City

MARCH 25^th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT

Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!

Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams

God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy

This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.

We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations. 

Hilary Clinton's E-mail Was the Tip of the Iceberg...

MARCH 5, 2015 WHITE HOUSE, FL

It would appear that the democratic party is not to be outdone by the oppositional circus that is the GOP. In a candidacy that had previously been unmarred by scandal (because it’s not even official yet), Hilary Clinton appears to have hit a snag. We’re not referring to the fact that she used her personal e-mail for government business (we’re all fine with that), the real issue is what she was using her e-mail for…

In the realm of Clash of Clans there is one who is only spoken of as the destroyer, the raper, the pillager, and the defiler. Until now their identity was previously unknown, but most just referred to them as “a total dick”. Today with the uncovering of Hilary Clinton’s personal e-mail, the identity of this barbaric warlord has been revealed.

“It’s not even fun when she plays. She just takes and takes, with no remorse. That’s not the kind of politician I want running this country.”  LivesAtHome444 isn’t the only one who has raised issues with Clinton’s clash of clan’s tactics.

Rush Limbaugh said, “It is completely unreasonable. We had an alliance for seven days and on the eight she burnt my entire village to the ground. Leave it to a woman…” Unfortunately Mr. Limbaugh’s comments had to be cut out for brevity (and decency), but a full report can be found on our archives page (we don’t have one, it’s just a black hole guarded by a wampa ice beast, so good fucking luck).

I'd vote for her... My crops need saving.

Clinton has refused to comment on the speculation that she is in fact ScorchedEarth69, but a group of barbarians has martialed outside the capital office where the leak came from. In other completely unrelated news, Vladmir Putin has sent an internet proposal, claiming “Her destruction is the single bastion of beauty left in this world.” While creepy, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, as an international wedding to seal the peace treaty between the US and Russia might be just medieval enough to work…

We’ll have more on this bullshit as it continues to stay relevant for some reason…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Political Correspondent, DontHurtMeHilary99, and Herder of Goats

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

ISIS to Host Children's Show on Public Access

February 13, 2015 DESERT CAVE, MIDDLE EAST

ISIS has been all over the news lately. Between air strikes, executions, and toppling unstable regimes, their media presence has been mostly negative, but if recent sources are to be believed, that’s all about to change. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, or Al for short has announced a new media campaign to help reverse the negative image that his organization has received. That’s right ISIS is starting a children’s show on PBS.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar (played by Charlie Sheen) will be premiering in the next few weeks on public access networks around the globe. “I know it seems counterintuitive to start with public access, but we really want to crowd-source this so that we can save money for missile strikes and abductions.” The Save Jerry campaign on Kickstarter has already received $30,000 from backers. ISIS has received some heat over the campaign as certain members of the site have called it misleading, or lies.

“Look, look, yes our campaign may contain some inaccuracies, but that is the nature of viral marketing. Yes we said the campaign was to bring back Jerry Simons who we kidnapped back in May, but the lie is for a good cause, and we really did kidnap Jerry! He’s going to be our guest star on the first episode, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it rhymes with elocution.”

Have you ever seen a militant look so happy?

 When asked to take down the campaign, Kickstarter responded with the following statement: “We are looking into the situation, but we do not have all the facts yet. Judgment will be reached within the next 6-26 months.” The Save Jerry campaign is only $70,000 short of its backing goal, and the campaign will end within the next 5 months.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar is set to premier on June 6^th 2015 in the 2AM timeslot. We’ll be tuning in and providing you with our review shortly after its release.

--Jane Doe, Senior Anonymity Correspondent & Soon to be Fired Intern