ISIS Invades Tunisian City

MARCH 25^th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT

Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!

Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams

God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy

This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.

We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations. 

ISIL Documentary Snubbed by Oscar Committee

February 23, 2015 DESERT CAVE/FILM STUDIO

Why none of your favorite shows were on last night.

The internet is abuzz about the film Birdman beating out Selma for best picture at the Oscars last night, but the real snub comes in one of the minor categories. Documentary short subject probably went to some Polish film about a person living in black and white, but the independent film production company ISIL feels their film was blacklisted from the award shows because of conflicting political ideals (they kill people for fun). The documentary Beheading of an Infidel  received only one award nomination this year (Best Picture, Extremist Academy of Religious Bigotry and ‘Sciences’).

I mean they could have at least thrown them a nomination... racists.

“We really went all out on the cinematography for this film. Some may not have noticed, but the entire film was one continuous shot, and we released it before Birdman.” When asked if he thought Birdman had ripped off their film the documentarian had this to say: “It’s a different concept entirely, I mean they pan away when they execute their actors, but the filmmaking is definitely derivative.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences called the allegations ‘frivolous’ and ‘unfounded’, which in turn drew a slew of threats from various shadow organizations. ISIL responded in what they considered tit for tat by conquering yet another Mideastern territory.

ISIL joins an ever growing list of surprising Oscar snubs including The Lego Movie, and every black actor/actress in Hollywood.

Bet you never thought you'd see Legos in an article about ISIS.

--Pattison Schneider, Tow Orca, Mammal, & Film Critic

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

ISIS to Host Children's Show on Public Access

February 13, 2015 DESERT CAVE, MIDDLE EAST

ISIS has been all over the news lately. Between air strikes, executions, and toppling unstable regimes, their media presence has been mostly negative, but if recent sources are to be believed, that’s all about to change. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, or Al for short has announced a new media campaign to help reverse the negative image that his organization has received. That’s right ISIS is starting a children’s show on PBS.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar (played by Charlie Sheen) will be premiering in the next few weeks on public access networks around the globe. “I know it seems counterintuitive to start with public access, but we really want to crowd-source this so that we can save money for missile strikes and abductions.” The Save Jerry campaign on Kickstarter has already received $30,000 from backers. ISIS has received some heat over the campaign as certain members of the site have called it misleading, or lies.

“Look, look, yes our campaign may contain some inaccuracies, but that is the nature of viral marketing. Yes we said the campaign was to bring back Jerry Simons who we kidnapped back in May, but the lie is for a good cause, and we really did kidnap Jerry! He’s going to be our guest star on the first episode, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but it rhymes with elocution.”

Have you ever seen a militant look so happy?

 When asked to take down the campaign, Kickstarter responded with the following statement: “We are looking into the situation, but we do not have all the facts yet. Judgment will be reached within the next 6-26 months.” The Save Jerry campaign is only $70,000 short of its backing goal, and the campaign will end within the next 5 months.

Jerry the Jihadist Jaguar is set to premier on June 6^th 2015 in the 2AM timeslot. We’ll be tuning in and providing you with our review shortly after its release.

--Jane Doe, Senior Anonymity Correspondent & Soon to be Fired Intern