The Academy May be Reforming, but There's Another Issue...

January 22, 2016

There has been a lot of debate and protest surrounding the 2016 Oscars, with calls for the award show to be boycotted due to a flawed selection process. Brilliant films are being snubbed for nominations because of the people who made or starred in them, and frankly, The Pattison Chronicle staff are pretty fired up about it. While The Academy has made some changes to their selection committee and promised to diversify in the years to come (that part is true), they have completely ignored a specific sector of the acting population. After fighting for years, it's time we stop ignoring the animal acting population.

This year we saw amazing performances from Bear in The Revenant and Horses 1-4 in The Hateful Eight, and both were entirely ignored by The Academy’s selection committee. When reached for comment, one member of the academy said “I voted for Bear, but it’s unfortunate, because a lot of people didn’t really see his performance, the spotlight was on Leo.”

I mean you can finally give Leo his Oscar, but a nomination would have been nice!

The Academy’s xenophobic actions cannot be allowed to continue any longer. Watching actors like Spot from the critically acclaimed Air Bud series, pass his entire 7 year life without a scrap of recognition is nothing short of horrifying.

Spot was a method actor, who actually joined the Lakers for six months to train for this role...

It’s 2016, and we need to stand up and acknowledge actors of all backgrounds, regardless of the amount of fur they have (they let Jared Leto in!) Help us raise awareness with the hashtag #OscarsSoSapien, and if you can bring yourself to turn away from Hollywood stars masturbating each other’s egos for a night on February 28^th, 2016, I’m sure that would help too…

--Ashton Macaulay, Editor in Chief, Academy Selection Member (I voted for all the animals so that means I’m not xenophobic right?), and Air Bud Enthusiast

ISIL Documentary Snubbed by Oscar Committee

February 23, 2015 DESERT CAVE/FILM STUDIO

Why none of your favorite shows were on last night.

The internet is abuzz about the film Birdman beating out Selma for best picture at the Oscars last night, but the real snub comes in one of the minor categories. Documentary short subject probably went to some Polish film about a person living in black and white, but the independent film production company ISIL feels their film was blacklisted from the award shows because of conflicting political ideals (they kill people for fun). The documentary Beheading of an Infidel  received only one award nomination this year (Best Picture, Extremist Academy of Religious Bigotry and ‘Sciences’).

I mean they could have at least thrown them a nomination... racists.

“We really went all out on the cinematography for this film. Some may not have noticed, but the entire film was one continuous shot, and we released it before Birdman.” When asked if he thought Birdman had ripped off their film the documentarian had this to say: “It’s a different concept entirely, I mean they pan away when they execute their actors, but the filmmaking is definitely derivative.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences called the allegations ‘frivolous’ and ‘unfounded’, which in turn drew a slew of threats from various shadow organizations. ISIL responded in what they considered tit for tat by conquering yet another Mideastern territory.

ISIL joins an ever growing list of surprising Oscar snubs including The Lego Movie, and every black actor/actress in Hollywood.

Bet you never thought you'd see Legos in an article about ISIS.

--Pattison Schneider, Tow Orca, Mammal, & Film Critic

Surprising Oscar Snub!

January 15, 2015. LOS ANGELES, CA

A murmur of despair escaped the gold encrusted lips of the Hollywood elite today as yet another deserving film was deemed unworthy by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. While most of the nominations were unsurprising(Civil Rights Movie, Mental Disorder the Movie, and Movie That Won’t Win, but Good Try!), one of the year’s most beloved films was left off of the prestigious list of Oscar contenders. I’m speaking of course about the thought-provoking, environmental thriller Sharknado 2: The Second One.

"Best Picture" - Pattison's Choice Award Winner 2014

While the Academy does have a history of pillaging creativity judgmentally from their high horses, Sharknado’s snub was nothing short of a George R.R. Martin-esque wedding. For those who are unfamiliar, Sharknado 2: The Second One examines the consequences of our destructive environmental practices on society. It shines a light on the very real and often ignored possibility of a shark-filled super hurricane descending on New York. Both educational and realistic, Sharknado will clearly remain the people’s choice for 2014’s best picture, best director, best visual effects, as well as the other less-important categories (talking to you short-form documentaries).

"I have no idea what's going on, but I'm angry!"

Many actors and actresses (Gary Busey) have already begun to boycott this year’s award show in a public display of solidarity. The Pattison will be passive-aggressively ignoring the event as well and instead will try to focus on the more important things (having a life, eating food, watching sharks get torn apart in stunning HD on Bluray). Stay strong Sharknado, stay strong…

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Intern in the 4^th Degree