Showing posts with label democratic party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label democratic party. Show all posts

Monday, September 14, 2015

Apple’s new HC Robot Fails Turing Test

Apple, think differently, but similar to us.
For many years scientists have been arguing over whether or not true artificial intelligence (AI) can be achieved. The ultimate way to determine whether or not someone has completed this task is through what is called a Turing Test. This test involves a human operator conversing with a machine, and if they cannot tell whether or not the machine is indeed artificial, then it passes. A shocking leak today has revealed that Apple was conducting one of these tests right under the eyes of the American public.  Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage to address the leak earlier today.


“It’s with a heavy heart that I say we have not achieved the milestone we were hoping for. While we have created a very lifelike, thinking machine, we fell short of our lofty goals. In the end, it just wasn’t human.” Tim Cook then proceeded to sweep aside a black curtain, and revealed presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, or the AppleHC for short.

How did we miss it?
Clinton has been dropping steadily in the polls ever since her opponent Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run. Her campaign has been criticized as cold and even robotic, which now makes all the more sense. “While the Apple HC may have failed the Turing Test, we have found that it makes for a great political advisor, and will still be bringing it to market at the end of the year.”

Other tech companies have been quick to criticize Apple’s big reveal with Amazon’s Jeff Bezos calling it “nothing more than a C-ticket Disneyland attraction.” Apple has also announced that they will be releasing a scaled down Apple HC-C (Hilary Clinton Cheap) model, which will launch with less foreign policy integration, but still contain the basic features.


 What do you think of Apple’s big reveal? Were you also underwhelmed? Let us know in the comments below, Facebook, and Twitter.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.
Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Hilary Clinton's E-mail Was the Tip of the Iceberg...

MARCH 5, 2015 WHITE HOUSE, FL

It would appear that the democratic party is not to be outdone by the oppositional circus that is the GOP. In a candidacy that had previously been unmarred by scandal (because it’s not even official yet), Hilary Clinton appears to have hit a snag. We’re not referring to the fact that she used her personal e-mail for government business (we’re all fine with that), the real issue is what she was using her e-mail for…

In the realm of Clash of Clans there is one who is only spoken of as the destroyer, the raper, the pillager, and the defiler. Until now their identity was previously unknown, but most just referred to them as “a total dick”. Today with the uncovering of Hilary Clinton’s personal e-mail, the identity of this barbaric warlord has been revealed.

“It’s not even fun when she plays. She just takes and takes, with no remorse. That’s not the kind of politician I want running this country.”  LivesAtHome444 isn’t the only one who has raised issues with Clinton’s clash of clan’s tactics.

Rush Limbaugh said, “It is completely unreasonable. We had an alliance for seven days and on the eight she burnt my entire village to the ground. Leave it to a woman…” Unfortunately Mr. Limbaugh’s comments had to be cut out for brevity (and decency), but a full report can be found on our archives page (we don’t have one, it’s just a black hole guarded by a wampa ice beast, so good fucking luck).

I'd vote for her... My crops need saving.
Clinton has refused to comment on the speculation that she is in fact ScorchedEarth69, but a group of barbarians has martialed outside the capital office where the leak came from. In other completely unrelated news, Vladmir Putin has sent an internet proposal, claiming “Her destruction is the single bastion of beauty left in this world.” While creepy, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, as an international wedding to seal the peace treaty between the US and Russia might be just medieval enough to work…

We’ll have more on this bullshit as it continues to stay relevant for some reason…


--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Political Correspondent, DontHurtMeHilary99, and Herder of Goats