Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Man Sues Ireland for Kidney Failure


For many the festivities of Saint Patrick ’s Day are still hanging on like a wretched hammer ghost pinballing inside of their aching cavity that once contained a brain, but not all are so pleased. Last night a man who has chosen to remain nameless (likely because he’s not real, but just go with it), suffered nearly fatal kidney failure as a result of binge drinking. Now rather than blaming the incident on self-pity or alcoholism, the man has taken the American way and began the process of suing a foreign country.

That rock better have a damned good lawyer.

“I just think that Ireland should pay for the damages it has caused. It’s irresponsible championing a holiday that condones drinking in such a fashion.” Mr. Smith (for anonymity) went on to say that under normal circumstances his drinking would not have been so severe, and promptly cracked a beer on the side of his hospital bed to “cure the damage the Irish people did to my brain”. Despite his doctor’s warnings about excessive consumption on the other 364 days of the year, Mr. Smith claims that the blame should lie entirely upon the people of Ireland.

When asked for comment the country of Ireland remained surprisingly silent on the matter, giving nothing but rain and wind in form of a response. As has been our usual we are taking their silence as an admission of guilt. To get to the bottom of this The Pattison Chronicle is issuing an ultimatum. If a representative of the Irish national government does not give us an interview within thirty days we will have no choice but to pour out a bottle of Guinness. Don’t make us do this Ireland. It doesn't have to end this way…

--Ashton Macaulay, Pourer of Guinness, Keeper of Threats, Payer of Debts

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