March 27, 2015
Today a private firm released a shocking study that has to have the pharmaceutical industry on edge. In a ten week lab study researchers have found that exposure to an orangutan in a top hat is ten times more effective than traditional SSRIs when treating depression. Dr. Krieger Von Nonrealle spoke at a press conference about the revolutionary new procedure. “The procedure is relatively simple: First we take a patient with severe depression, second, we take them into a barren room, and finally we expose them to an orangutan in a top hat.” When patients were exposed to this treatment they demonstrated reduction in depressive symptoms almost immediately.
“We find that some people are initially frightened by the inclusion of a large mammal in the therapeutic process, but the top hat puts them at ease. There is evidence to believe that the addition of a fitted tuxedo and banana cane might increase our results even further.” The conference went on to say that the day of modern antipsychotics is quickly coming to an end. Tactile Orangutan Procedure for Healthy Active Treatment or TOPHAT for short is surprisingly less expensive than most prescription drugs, and so far well over ten times more effective.
“There’s no reason to think that this couldn’t be applied to more disorders, we just need the funding to continue our research, and to sponsor distribution.” The TOPHAT program has started a Kickstarter campaign to help raise awareness for their treatment. Check out their website https://twitter.com/ThePattison (totally not just our twitter page) and donate to help stop big pharma now! Let us move towards a brighter future filled with less mind rotting drugs, and more whimsically dressed endangered species!
--Ashton Macaulay, Psychology Masters Candidate (so I’m an ‘expert) and Orangutan in Training