Interview With a Tow Orca

May 1, 2015 THE OCEAN, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL

For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).

New Depression Treatment Outperforms Traditional SSRIs

March 27, 2015

Today a private firm released a shocking study that has to have the pharmaceutical industry on edge. In a ten week lab study researchers have found that exposure to an orangutan in a top hat is ten times more effective than traditional SSRIs when treating depression. Dr. Krieger Von Nonrealle spoke at a press conference about the revolutionary new procedure. “The procedure is relatively simple: First we take a patient with severe depression, second, we take them into a barren room, and finally we expose them to an orangutan in a top hat.” When patients were exposed to this treatment they demonstrated reduction in depressive symptoms almost immediately.

“We find that some people are initially frightened by the inclusion of a large mammal in the therapeutic process, but the top hat puts them at ease. There is evidence to believe that the addition of a fitted tuxedo and banana cane might increase our results even further.” The conference went on to say that the day of modern antipsychotics is quickly coming to an end. Tactile Orangutan Procedure for Healthy Active Treatment or TOPHAT for short is surprisingly less expensive than most prescription drugs, and so far well over ten times more effective.

“There’s no reason to think that this couldn’t be applied to more disorders, we just need the funding to continue our research, and to sponsor distribution.” The TOPHAT program has started a Kickstarter campaign to help raise awareness for their treatment. Check out their website https://twitter.com/ThePattison (totally not just our twitter page) and donate to help stop big pharma now! Let us move towards a brighter future filled with less mind rotting drugs, and more whimsically dressed endangered species!

--Ashton Macaulay, Psychology Masters Candidate (so I’m an ‘expert) and Orangutan in Training

PETA Lashes out at Katy Perry About Half-Time Show Performance

"Fighting for animal rights humans don't even have."

February 2, 2015 SEATTLE WASHINGTON

In the wake of a disappointing Superbowl outcome the citizens of Washington have been re-directing their attention to the ‘real’ winner of the Superbowl. I’m speaking of course about Katy Perry. Many tuned into yesterday’s half-time show with the lackluster enthusiasm of a generation that has seen it all (looking at you Janet), but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Ms. Perry finished her soulful rendition of her hit single Animal Noises. However, there are some who are very displeased with the performance, and mostly they’re PETA.

Because being the Mockingjay just wasn't enough was it?

A spokesperson for PETA (People for Extreme Trivial Activism) said the following: “Not only did Katy Perry manage to abuse a well-loved species by removing it from its natural habitat…” Referring to the dancing sharks during Song that No Longer Contains Snoop Dogg. “…She also took an endangered species, oppressed it into servitude, and rode it for the crowd’s amusement. It is one of the biggest catastrophes in animal rights history, and frankly I’m appalled that the NFL has done nothing about it. Ms. Perry should face heavy fines if not jail-time for her actions.” While the representative may have seemed a bit uppity, they may have a point. At one point during the performance it is very clear that the sharks are under duress (likely due to the lack of water on the stage) and can be seen gasping for air.

Katy Perry strikes one of the sharks after it gasped on stage.

In addition, the Post-Annakin/Darth Vader treatment of the lion was gruesome. When asked to comment Roger Goodell had the following to say: “We want to wait to make a decision until all the information is available. The NFL is currently in possession of a tape that does indeed show Ms. Perry on a mechanical animal of some kind, but as of yet it is unclear on whether or not she knew that her prop was a living animal. It is possible that the animal may have been tampered with, without her knowledge.”

As always I think we can count on the NFL to make a swift and righteous decision in this matter. All in all, it was quite the show, and I think we can all agree that the Black Eyed Peas should crawl deeper into their shame hole.

--Mac Turbine, Animal Rights Activist, Equine and Feline Interpreter