Top 5 Star Wars SPOILERS!!!!

Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education, because you’re going to learn something today.

1. There’s Full Frontal Han

Look at that tasteful leather.

Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.

2. Pod Racing is Back

Sorry lil Annie, just no.

J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will surely please fans.

3. All of the Main Characters are CG

Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier...

In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.

4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters

Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me good.

5. That end credits scene

Summer 2017

There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the franchise.

--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General

Empire Contractors Union Reveals New Death Star Design

October 19th, DEATH STAR, ALDERAAN DUST CLOUD

First Order troops gather for the christening of Star Killer Base

In a bold move on Sunday afternoon, The First Order (formerly The Galactic Empire), unveiled its plans for the newest in a short line of planet-destroying space stations. Simply titled Star Killer (the budget went to giant death lasers), this hulking behemoth is very similar to previous designs built by The Empire, and it's leaving some with a lack of faith that First Order chief advisers find to be disturbing. Mainly, concerns are coming over a massive trench that runs across the entire mid section of the space station, and is wide enough for a star destroyer to cross through comfortably. Many will remember the downfall of the previous death stars being trench related, and as such, this design is raising more than a few eye brows.

First Order commanders have already spoke out to the indestructible nature of Star Killer Base, saying that the trench is guarded by a nearly impenetrable force field, as well as squadrons of tie fighters, described as highly trained in marksmanship (a skill that they usually struggle with). However, hourly employed storm troopers have expressed deep hesitation with a lack of safety aboard the craft. This stems from the fact that it is built by the same set of contractors as the original two, mostly due to union rights, and that the aesthetic look is nearly identical. "It's just hard to feel safe when it looks so similar to the first two. Our life benefits aren't that great, and I've got a rancor fighting debt with the Hutts that needs to be paid, or my family is at risk," said a infantry storm trooper, who asked to remain nameless.

The contracting company is head up by former Pod Racer Ody Mandrell, who started the business after the lucrative racing scene became defunct following the Clone Wars. In a statement made to the public, he assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about, and that while the aesthetic is similar, the larger trench makes it more difficult to locate weak spots. His contracting company was recently plagued by controversy for the faulty design of the AT-AT unit, once again leading to the deaths of hundreds of imperial pilots. No word yet, on whether or not these units will be recalled from the battlefront.

For more breaking news from the galaxy far far away keep reading The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to help our news spread by sharing stories you like on Facebook and Twitter.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief E


ditor, Womp Rat Skeet Enthusiast,  and Empirial Architecture Skepticist