February 19th, 2015 AMAZON/SKYNET
It looks as though Amazon is in the news today for another
technical innovation just weeks after their drone program was shot down by the
FAA. That’s right, Amazon may not be
able to dominate the skies, but that hasn't stopped them from detailing their
latest invention to get us our cat-shaped bottle openers quicker.
The project is part of a scrapped project from the 80s which
was focusing on the development of intelligent machines for use in the private
sector. “The device incorporates the quickness of the Amazon drone, while also
maintaining the friendly demeanor of a 1950s delivery boy. We’re aiming to
bring back the familiarity and kind hearted nature of a simpler time, but with
the convenience of the modern age.” Their calling the machine the Delivery
Intelligence Entity or D.I.E. for short. The early prototype has already seen
backing from Amazon’s chief investors, but the path to innovation is always
harried by lesser beings.
 |
"What is your primary directive D.I.E.?"
"To provide excellent service and to KILL... the customers with kindness" |
Computer scientists and engineers around the world have
spoken out against the program, calling it both reckless, and a serious threat
to human existence. Amazon wishes to assure its customers that the Delivery
Intelligent Entity will be completely safe and user friendly. “People are
concerned about super intelligent robots hell-bent on world domination, but the
fact of the matter is, it just isn’t feasible. The Delivery Intelligent Entity
is service robotics at its core, and aside from a few small arms is entirely
harmless.”
The small arms he is referring to are an actual set of miniature
arms which can extend from just above the shoulder blades of the courier in the
event of what Amazon calls “occupational hazards”. These arms are fitted with
fifty caliber machine guns, as well as a myriad of retractable knives.
“These
weapons are
purely for protection purposes to ensure that the packages our
customers order are delivered in a timely and undamaged fashion. The variety of
weaponry is meant to be a courtesy for late night deliveries. No one wants to wake up to the sound of a fifty caliber rifle, it’s just unpleasant. Knives are
much quieter and still get the job done.”
 |
| "Don't worry, the logic board was modeled after an LA cop." |
The new delivery system is set to undergo testing within the
next few weeks in Ferguson Missouri, a location chosen for its high level of
package traffic. More on this story as it develops…
-- John Johnson, Senior Singularity Conspiracy Theorist
& Battle Bots Analyst
