Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...

I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...

I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.

I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:

THE VERDICT

As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher

Dying Light Day 2

Dying Light Day 2

Requiem for a Jimmy

How to begin to describe my second day in the carnage-filled merry-go-round that is Dying Light’s Mogadishu: I made some friends, fell in love, and once again ended up alone against an unbathed hippy drum circle…

Dying Light’s second day was much like the first, the denizens of Mogadishu proved unreceptive to my message. In fact, several of them tried to bite me, and I found that I had to take my protection to an extreme I’m not proud of.

I had to make the binding from hemp... God damned reefer madness.

While a knife attached to a large battery might seem brutal, electricity has proved a formidable tool against violent protestors (I learned from the best, LAPD). My day was filled with fending off the munchie-ridden addicts and running for my life. That was, until I met Jimmy. It was friendship at first sight. I saw him from across the rooftops, and he saw me. Unfortunately he didn’t see the reefer-heads sneaking up behind him, and our friendship came to a quick end. Jimmy was the best of us, and I will morn his loss for the rest of the time I spend playing this game (it’s been three hours, is it over yet?)

He looks so peaceful

Luckily, my despair was not to continue, as shortly after I lost Jimmy I was presented with what I can only assume is the game’s love interest. While it was clear that I was supposed to feel something for this woman, she sported dreadlocks, the traditional head garb of the reggae enthusiast. Reggae is a slippery slope that leads to drum circles…

One of such drum circles throughout the city. Can you guess what that green gas is? It's the MARY JANE!

I can tell you that breaking up that hazy celebration of apathy was eye-opening. Overall my second day with Dying Light has been an emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be that way. Now the sun sets and at least I can take comfort in that the reefer heads will likely be asleep. I think I’ll go out for a stroll this evening and post some pictures tomorrow!

Reefers don't like night time right?

--Stephen Shilling, Night Time is Safe Time Author, & Video Game Expert

Adventureland Quarantined Due to Measles Outbreak

The now closed customs in Adventureland

January 10^th, 2015. ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

In the wake of a series of increasingly viral diseases in Disneyland, park management has begun to take preventative measures. The West African colony of Adventureland has been quarantined, with its inhabitants stuck there for the foreseeable future. Mac Turbine reports from the field.

MAC TURBINE, OUTSIDE ADVENTURELAND, WEST AFRICA, CALIFORNIA

Mandatory scary Ebola picture.

It’s a scene of absolute chaos here in the border town of Main Street USA. Foreign aid churro stands have been wheeling in and out of Adventureland all day, providing what little they can to those quarantined inside. While initially measles was the only suspected outbreak, our senior viral analyst (and 10 time dog show winner) now suspects that there may be strains of Ebola, West-Nile virus, and Jumping Shingles as well.

Original reports suggested that the disease may have been brought in by park guests, but later investigation pointed to the cesspool that is The Jungle Cruise. With combined living spaces for a myriad of African animals, this attraction has always been a disaster waiting to happen…

One thing is for sure, the mouse will not be letting anyone out until the country has let the diseases run their course.

--Mac Turbine, Reporter in the Field and Amateur Zoologist