Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Behavioral Data Analysis Presentations Functionally Similar to Paint Drying


Big news out of the psychology community this week as conclusive evidence has been obtained demonstrating that reports of behavioral data analysis are functionally similar to

watching paint dry (with 95% estimated certainty). This news has set the community on fire as just last week behavioral data analyst Mike Klippinger had produced evidence that data analysis was considered to be one of the sexiest professions to women under 40 with over 10 cats (albeit with a sample size of 1 and an estimated certainty of only 94%).

The experiment took place in a basement laboratory at Stanford using unaware undergraduate students (because they’re so easy to obtain), over a period of four hours. “We had two groups. One group listened to an exciting report on behavioral data analysis in the human resources field, and the other watched paint dry on a wall. We ensured that students had no idea which condition they were in by telling those in the paint condition that they were actually watching a behavioral data analysis presentation.”

Student Mark Lowly claimed that he was completely blind to the experiment, and noticed the trick only after the paint had dried. “After a while I was just like, wait, this paint isn’t lecturing to me, it’s just drying.” The researchers will be publishing their findings in the coming weeks. By the time the 8 week scientific replication process is over, the public will  have no doubt lost interest and moved on to the next inflammatory finding, so, let’s all just take the science on faith and call it a day, we’ve earned it.

--Ashton Macaulay, Behavioral Data Analyst, Recent Psychology Graduate, Mr. Newell Please Hire me

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