JULY 22, 2015 SEATTLE WA
Big news out of the psychology community this week as
conclusive evidence has been obtained demonstrating that reports of behavioral
data analysis are functionally similar to
watching paint dry (with 95% estimated certainty). This news has set the community on fire as just last week behavioral data analyst Mike Klippinger had produced evidence that data analysis was considered to be one of the sexiest professions to women under 40 with over 10 cats (albeit with a sample size of 1 and an estimated certainty of only 94%).
The experiment took place in a basement laboratory at
Stanford using unaware undergraduate students (because they’re so easy to
obtain), over a period of four hours. “We had two groups. One group listened to
an exciting report on behavioral data analysis in the human resources field,
and the other watched paint dry on a wall. We ensured that students had no idea
which condition they were in by telling those in the paint condition that they
were actually watching a behavioral data analysis presentation.”
Student Mark Lowly claimed that he was completely blind to
the experiment, and noticed the trick only after the paint had dried. “After a
while I was just like, wait, this paint isn’t lecturing to me, it’s just
drying.” The researchers will be publishing their findings in the coming weeks.
By the time the 8 week scientific replication process is over, the public will have no doubt lost interest and moved on to
the next inflammatory finding, so, let’s all just take the science on faith and
call it a day, we’ve earned it.
--Ashton Macaulay, Behavioral Data Analyst, Recent
Psychology Graduate, Mr. Newell Please Hire me
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