Pope Loses Vatican Splendors in Dice Game

July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY

Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. 

Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.

Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.

Blessed be thy dice...

When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.” 

--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell

School Sued Over Religious Biology Program

June 4, 2015

SEATTLE, WA, LIBERAL SAFEHAVEN

Non-threatening High-school photo to lure in unsuspecting viewers...

A school in Seattle Washington is in hot water today after a teacher has been accused of incorporating religious ideals into a biology class. The discovery came after first grader Jaden Miller (fake name, because he’s a child, you animals), came home with a ‘science project’ assigned to him by the school. The teacher asked Jaden to care for and study a praying mantis for a week, and write up a report to share with the class. Understandably his mother was outraged, and immediately found a way to sue the school system which just has too much money to begin with (all those bribes from the church keeping the cats fat).

Pope Mantis III, 2020, 5 years after mantis uprising

“I was just shocked that they would do this. Keep it in church, you insectoid bastards!” It is worth noting that ‘insectoid’ is not the proper term for referring to a praying mantis, or any insect for that matter, but Mrs. Miller dropped biology in high school claiming secular exemption.

Jesus of Mantisereth, 2050, 20 years after The Great Mantis Nuclear War

The school responded quickly by creating a rigorous training program for faculty and all insects on campus to ensure separation of church from the learning environment. All mantises now have their hands bound in a ‘high five’ gesture which has no religious affiliation and is less austere when compared to their traditional pose of prayer.

A mantis blends in, 5 years before mantis uprising.

More on this as it develops.

--Ashton Macaulay, Mantis in Human Clothing, No I’m not, Sure You Aren’t Flesh-Bag