DECEMBER 2 2015, PATTISON HEADQUARTERS, REDMOND WASHINGTON
First, let me say that it’s been a while, and that we are truly sorry for our absence. There is no doubt that your minds have gone to mush without the sultry sweet tunes of our hard facts to rock out to. Fear not, we are back, and with a hell of a story to boot. What forced us off of the white sand beaches of Curacao, away from the drunken acrobatic monkeys and whiskey fueled tropical parties? The answer is simple; the liberals are at it again…
Over the past few weeks the Hilary/Bernie/Obama (pick a damned candidate) propaganda machine has been spinning lies aimed at taking down the gun industry (sorry that you didn’t buy stock in Winchester). In an attempt to drive attention away from the clear presidential frontrunner King Donald Trump, the left wing media has seen fit to drum up a bunch of negative publicity for America’s favorite pastime guns.
Let us start by saying yes, the incidents occurring over the past few weeks have been terrible, but the lax regulations in the firearm industry are not to blame. While the liberals would have you believe that a couple of homicidal zealots gunned down people as a result of misinformation and misguided rage, it is simply not true. The answer is actually quite a simple one: Magnetic radiation from Tesla’s new electric cars is cooking perfectly sane minds and turning them into killing machines.
A top scientist at The Pattison’s privately funded Dartmouth University Minneapolis Branch published a paper earlier this week that has been all but ignored in the media. In this paper he writes “Due to the magnetic nature of the electric car’s battery, dangerous waves and particles have been leaking into the atmosphere and producing brain damage.” He goes on to provide test results from a sample of three homeless, white, males between the ages of 18 and 25, who all experienced unusual thoughts when sat next to a Tesla motor vehicle for over an hour. The paper ends with a stirring call to action “If we cannot stop these inventions of death from finding their ways into the hands of our citizens, then we as a nation are doomed. Buy Ford, and remember, oil has never been greener.”
|*Note that all correlations are spurious and as such should be taken extremely serious.|
Protestors have already begun to accumulate outside Nikola Tesla’s house in Croatia, to request a halt on all manufacturing of future products. Unfortunately, the company has no ties to Nikola, but the hearts of the angry mob are in the right place, and for that, we give them the Pattison Seal of Approval. Remember, the key to change is activism. If you feel that you have been inadvertently coerced into murder, arson, public indecency or other criminal behavior while within a fifty-mile radius of a Tesla vehicle, tell the world. Ignorance is the sickness that plagues a weak nation, and we can be stronger than that. Put your foot in the way of progress and say “Enough is enough!”
The Pattison Chronicle will be returning to a semi-regular posting schedule, to avoid any further international or domestic conflicts. Keep checking our website, share our knowledge with your friends, and remember to follow us on Facebook and Twitter.
Ashton Macaulay, Sparker of Ill-Conceived Protest Movements & Chief Executive Editor/Writer/Photoshopper