Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Guide to Creating Political Arguments

There's been a lot of buzz the past few days over a chart presented by anti-abortion representative Jason Chaffetz (See Chart Here). We here at The Pattison Chronicle didn't think it was fair for highly trained political obfuscators to have a leg-up on our readers, so we've put together another one of our world famous guides to help you understand. Behold:


Step 1: 
Pick the point you want to make. For our purposes we will be using the point that Justin Bieber has lead to the systematic destruction of the American way of life (you could really pick anyone for this).

Step 2: 
Link something to your point that helps strengthen your cause. This can be done with spurious correlations, unrelated factoids, or just plain lying. For our example, Justin Bieber is the same height as Hitler (100% True), would you let hitler sing to your kids?

Step 3:
Present your findings in a seemingly meaninful fashion. Here we have included a graph correlating attacks by ISIS with Justin Bieber record sales.

Step 4: 
Vehemently defend your point even in the face of overwhelming evidence against it. This part is key, as if you don't, people will think you are stupid.

That's it, you should have all you need to create your own ludicrous argument, and piss off your neighbors. Remember, stick to your point, and never surrender to logic! Be sure to share any campaigns that you create using our system with us on Facebook and Twitter. Without you we're just alone in a studio apartment with a cat (our headquarters), and that's no way to live. 

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