May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...
It’s May 4th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.
Artists rendering of the shantytown
Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles.
$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...
A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."
You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).
--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder