May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...
It’s May 4th everyone, and you know what that
means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star
Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but
rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of
tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.
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Artists rendering of the shantytown |
Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown
in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if
you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until
December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a
source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the
homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles.
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$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore... |
A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they
are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."
You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a
ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially
acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4th be
with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).
--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager,
Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder
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