Ferguson Shooting was Self-Defense

March 12, 2015 FERGUSON, MO

In a shocking role reversal it would appear that two Ferguson police officers were shot early Thursday morning (that part is true). Already the department has labeled the acts as an “ambush”, and condemns the shooter for their actions. While the shooter has not stepped forward into the spotlight, The Pattison Chronicle has managed to secure an exclusive interview with them. Rather than blindly incriminating this individual, we would ask the public to first allow for due process.

There are no black hoodies in this scenario, therefore it is self-defense! See Flowchart below...

The suspect cannot be described for anonymity purposes, but let’s just assume he’s an early 20’s male in a black hoodie. When asked about the “ambush” nature of the shooting he had this to say: “It wasn’t an ambush. I was acting in self-defense as anyone else would.” For those who don’t have time to read every internet story (don’t worry, somehow I do), the police officers were walking down the steps when one was shot in the face and the other in the shoulder (also true), both lived but it was a close call.

“I thought it was weird that they were walking down the center of the steps. This is a historically aggressive population you have to remember, and it was the middle of the night. I was suspicious from the beginning.” The young male goes on to claim that the police officers were armed and made no attempt to stop moving when he called out to them. “I told them to stop advancing. I could see that they had guns on them and just acted. Anyone else would have done the same in my position.”

While the evidence we obtained has not yet been investigated, if the grand jury rulings are any precedent, as long as our young male is white, he should be acquitted within the month. We here at The Pattison Chronicle look forward to this young man’s exoneration and have already made up T-shirts (that may have been a niche market).

--Ashton Macaulay, Police Law Specialist, Bird Law Enthusiast, and Minor in Political Science (not true) 

LAPD Releases Training Materials for Recruits to the Public

March 2, 2015 LOS ANGELES, CA

"Protect and serve... the white majority?"
--Full LAPD Seal, cut off for aesthetic purposes

In a wake of recent shootings the LAPD has repeatedly been under fire for the brutality displayed by its officers. As a response to the outrage, the LAPD released information about how their officers are trained this morning to help assuage public fear. “We believe that transparency is the only true way to true clemency, and will thus release all of the training materials that we give to our incoming officers to the public. I think you will find that they are more than adequately prepared for the field when they are given their badge.”

The police captain may have been confident in their training materials, but experts around the country have been examining them with a critical eye, and have been less than pleased. “Their ‘training materials’ are a copy of The Shawshank Redemption and old ‘reefer madness’ promotional materials from the thirties!” Said an expert in police training from the department of Justice. Many scientists are suggesting that some of the LAPDs tactics might be a result of such aggressive training materials, but the police captain has assured us that the two are “completely unrelated”.

“The fact of the matter is that each group of recruits is going to have a few bad eggs, and we’re not going to be able to catch them all. Say what you will about Shawshank, but that prison was in tip-top condition. One escape in hundreds of years? That’s better than our criminal system’s record. Not to mention the fact that their staff was respected by all the inmates, which is our main goal for the Los Angeles Police Force.”

We at The Pattison Chronicle train our police with Lethal Weapon, and so far none of them have showed up for work… More on this story as it develops.

-- Mac Turbine, Martial Arts Expert, Senior Enforcer Staff Member, & Billy Club Aficionado