FOX Skirts the Issues in First Debate

CLEVELAND, OH

The first republican debate was held on FOX News last night (Jesus, that hurts), and for the most part it was what people expected. Ten republican candidates went head-to-head in an arena-style death match, and the American public got mildly excited, but mostly confused. In all the spectacle it was hard to notice some of the major issues that the moderators passed over in this crucial debate. The Pattison Chronicle has made a list of questions that we think should have been discussed last night. If you like our suggestions,, make sure to Tweet them during the next debate so that we can keep the American public informed about who they’re voting for.

What is your favorite color?

Historically, this has been a hallmark of the debate in which candidates flounder and eventually answer a three-way tie between red, white, and blue. While there are still more debates to come (our political analysts say about a million), it appears that this trying question will go unanswered. As a result, The Pattison Chronicle has no choice but to wildly speculate about republican front-runner Donald Trump.

Where do you stand on the extradition of feline-hating dental workers?

I think we all know that this is a very important question, and one of the most pressing issues in the nation to date. In the wake of all the malpractice suits in feline dentistry, it is crucial to address this issue in the public forum. We must say “No more!” to amateur feline dentists, and instead increase state funding for professional veterinary dental schooling.

 Some off-the-wall question from a Millennial who thought they were tweeting to a reality TV show.

It was a shocking disappointment to find that the debate moderators actually screened their Twitter questions this year. I for one would have liked to know the answer to “Who’s going to win this season?” and “Which of the candidates is the hottest?” Without the answers to these hard-hitting questions, I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to participate in voting (it’s hard guys). For our money, the hottest candidate has to be Jeb Bush (see artist rendering below).

What did you think of last night’s debate? Were there any questions you would have liked to see that we missed? Let us know in the comments on Facebook and Twitter. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Piss-Poor Photoshop Artist, Future Pirate (When Rent Comes Up)

Guide to Creating Info Graphics

Pattison Chronicle Headquarters SEATTLE, WA. With the political season quickly approaching, we are all about to be bombarded by infographics. Candidates will want to express their plans for the U.S. in a colorful format that really says nothing, but makes readers feel like they might have learned something. In celebration of this hellish political race that we’re already pissed about, here’s a guide to how you can create your own info graphics!

Step 1. Pick a number. It can be any number really, but all good info graphics start with an arbitrary number. Be sure to bold all numbers and words you like in your graphic.

Step 2. Pick two colors, one for text, and one for graphics. These colors should be primary colors, but in a dimmer tone to make the graphic look professional.

Step 3. Relate the initial number to another arbitrary concept that shares some common characteristic and add silhouetted graphics for emphasis.

Step 4. Repeat Step 3 two to five more times.

Step 5. End with a call to action, or a fact that ties it all together.

Well done! You’ve just created an info graphic! Share it with us, share it with your friends, and send it to your mother to show her how smart you are. We will re-post the best info graphics on our many pages, so submit you sheeple!