Sunday, June 28, 2015

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

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