Saturday, June 13, 2015

Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free
Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."
The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

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