Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Seahawks Investigated for Performance Enhancers

January 19, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

"National F***-All League"

Amidst the turmoil that has accompanied the Patriots being investigated for deflated balls (they let Lance Armstrong race!), it appears that the NFL will have another scandal to add to the ever-growing pile. Fans cheered and heaped thunderous applause after a last-minute comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in yesterday’s championship game, but new evidence suggests that skittles might not have been the ultimate driving force behind this victory. Mac Turbine reports.

MAC TURBINE, DICKS BURGERS, WA

It appears that the Seahawks will be joining the list of professional teams accused of cheating today. NFL commissioner (and dark lord of The Sith) Roger Goodell claims that there is speculation that the team may have been using ‘outside help’. While many believed Marshawn Lynch’s golden shoes to be merely a publicity stunt, the commissioner and the NFLs game review committee thought differently.

“There is a good chance that Marshawn’s shoes were coated in a substance only previously thought to be possible in the realm of science fiction.” While the committee refused to elaborate, I think we all know what the substance they’re referring to is. Last seen aiding an ailing college basketball team in 1997, the performance enhancing drug, ‘flubber’, was thought to be long gone. Unfortunately for the sporting industry it appears that this volatile substance may be making a resurgence in the greater Seattle area.

The shoes are currently being held for questioning.

I was able to conduct a brief interview with the football star earlier today. “Marshawn, did you coat your shoes with the performance enhancing drug ‘flubber’ before yesterday’s game?”

“Yeah.” The simple one-word response says it all.

PATTISON CHRONICLE NEWS ROOM, NORTH POLE

Authorities are urging everyone to report any suspicious activity in the Seattle area that might indicate the production of flubber. Residents are asked to keep an eye out for oddly charming professors, flying cars, and the creation of a new Seattle basketball team. I think I speak for all of us here at the chronicle when I say: “YEAH, GO HAWKS, GO HAWKS! SUPERBOWL! FOOBALL! FLUBBER BE DAMNED! YEAHHHHH!”

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, and 1990 Comedy Addict

Prophetic Toast Leaves Destruction in its Wake...

January, 9^th 2015. NEBRASKA

Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.

Photo Censored for Graphic Prophetic Content

Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back. Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of holy texts and blind zealotry.

The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the wheat farmers of America today, and I think all of us here at The Pattison Chronicle will be hugging our Subway (definitely not a sponsor) sandwiches tightly at today’s luncheon.

-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field