Pearson Education Games

May 4, 2015, MOS EISELY, TATOOINE

Mandatory scary picture of test bubbles. 

Today The Pattison Chronicle turns its ever-watchful eye to education. It seems that thousands of children and parents have taken it upon themselves to mutiny against the United States Standardized Testing System. Now, like many others, I am angry at the un-American nature of these protests, but also enamored by their rebellious nature. In response, Pearson education has adopted a new form of incentive for those who wish to abstain from their almighty testing procedures.

To combat the rise of those who are refusing to taking their tests, Pearson will be instituting what they refer to as an educational ‘battle royal’. In each school district, one child who failed or did not take the test will be chosen to compete for their right to object in a death-arena mad-max-esque style of justice and adjudication. “This takes the element of fear out of the test, and puts it elsewhere. We’ve had many complaints that children feel pressured to do well on the test. Now it’s more of a pressure to survive.”

Our editor got lazy and filled the rest of the article with pugs, because HOLY SHIT PUGS. 

Education scientists have also theorized that this blood sport might help eliminate some of the racial bias inherent in standard testing procedures. “So long as it’s weapon of choice, in a random location, there should be no racial disparity in combat ability.”

Some have criticized the idea as heavy-handed, but the motion is expected to pass with bipartisan support, as it is “an interesting way to deal with our failing education system.”

I am left with but one question: “If John does not wish to take the standardized test, and he is picked to participate in the Pearson Education Games, with a chance of 1 in 13,000 in survival; are the odds in his favor?

 A) Yes

B) Maybe

C) No

D) I’m not taking this test, sign me up

E) Where is the line for conscientious objector permits?”

Greece to Reinstate Gladiator Fighting

April 6^th, 2015 ZEUS’S LAIR

It’s no secret that Greece is currently harboring somewhere in the realm of 300 billion dollars in debt (starting with the truth). With a myriad of international debt collectors and knee cappers knocking on their door, the country has been forced into action. Greece has finally found a plan to chip away at the mountain of debt they have created for themselves (Mt. Olympus Credit Union?)

I hear Wild Waves bought that at auction

Sometime around the 1^st century the Roman Empire implemented a sport that would both provide entertainment to the depressed masses, and generate wealth for the empire (that’s also true, man we’re on fire today). This sport was of course known as Gladiator Combat. The president of Greece (picture not provided as they were too poor to send us a photocopy, and we’re not going to accept another collect call from Greece, because let’s face it, they’re never paying us back), has begun the process of legally reinstating Gladiator Combat as an official sport.

Many are opposed to this reinstatement, calling the idea “barbaric” and “childish”, but Grecian officials have sent out a blanket statement for naysayers: “You got any better ideas?” The resolution is set to pass through the Greek legal system with ease, as most of the legislative bodies have recently been accepting payment in the form of IOUs and are anxious to regain financial stability.

Countries such as Australia (nature’s boss level) and North Korea (because they are the best at every sport; North Korean Census, 2015) have already developed scholarships for student athletes to compete in Greece’s games. It is unclear yet whether or not other countries will follow this trend, but one thing’s for sure: football just got a whole lot lamer.

No word yet on whether or not Russel Crowe will compete. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Grecian Emissary, Fighter of Old-Persons, Watcher of Game of Thrones