The Academy May be Reforming, but There's Another Issue...

January 22, 2016

There has been a lot of debate and protest surrounding the 2016 Oscars, with calls for the award show to be boycotted due to a flawed selection process. Brilliant films are being snubbed for nominations because of the people who made or starred in them, and frankly, The Pattison Chronicle staff are pretty fired up about it. While The Academy has made some changes to their selection committee and promised to diversify in the years to come (that part is true), they have completely ignored a specific sector of the acting population. After fighting for years, it's time we stop ignoring the animal acting population.

This year we saw amazing performances from Bear in The Revenant and Horses 1-4 in The Hateful Eight, and both were entirely ignored by The Academy’s selection committee. When reached for comment, one member of the academy said “I voted for Bear, but it’s unfortunate, because a lot of people didn’t really see his performance, the spotlight was on Leo.”

I mean you can finally give Leo his Oscar, but a nomination would have been nice!

The Academy’s xenophobic actions cannot be allowed to continue any longer. Watching actors like Spot from the critically acclaimed Air Bud series, pass his entire 7 year life without a scrap of recognition is nothing short of horrifying.

Spot was a method actor, who actually joined the Lakers for six months to train for this role...

It’s 2016, and we need to stand up and acknowledge actors of all backgrounds, regardless of the amount of fur they have (they let Jared Leto in!) Help us raise awareness with the hashtag #OscarsSoSapien, and if you can bring yourself to turn away from Hollywood stars masturbating each other’s egos for a night on February 28^th, 2016, I’m sure that would help too…

--Ashton Macaulay, Editor in Chief, Academy Selection Member (I voted for all the animals so that means I’m not xenophobic right?), and Air Bud Enthusiast

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

NFL Launches Preemptive Campaign

September 2nd, 2015, NFL HEADQUARTERS, DEATH STAR. 

This morning Columbia Pictures released the first trailer for its new movie Concussion starring Will Smith. It centers on all of the horrible nastiness that happens to players brains when they get hit in the head repeatedly for a living (so far all true). This, understandably has led to some poor press for the NFL, prompting a new campaign from Commissioner Roger Goodell. The campaign focuses on the tried and true “Hey! Look over there!” technique, and moves the public crosshairs over FIFA.

Actual photo of Roger Goodell by Pattison Chronicle Intern Jimmy 2.0

“The message is simple: Hey fans, we’re not as bad as FIFA,” said Roger Goodell in a press conference just this morning. Already the NFL has begun to take up ad space across the United States and Europe, to combat any negative press directed at American Football. The organization denies that the campaign is a direct response to the movie trailer, instead saying that it’s more of a precautionary move.

From right to left: New Jersey, Qatar. 

“The NFL is going to have some scandals this year, guaranteed. We need to do whatever we can to keep the political spotlight elsewhere. This isn’t just a campaign for now, it’s a campaign for football’s future,” said financial analyst John Moneybanks (last name legally changed because he has “so much money in the bank, it’s ludicrous”).

What do you think of the NFL’s new campaign? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter!

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free

Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."

The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.

Correlation Found to Imply Causation

May 13, 2015, STUCK IN A STATISTICS PROGRAM

For anyone who has taken an introductory statistics class, the phrase: “correlation does not imply causation,” has likely been hammered into your brain. This logic has been considered ironclad for millennia (probably older than statistics, but what the hell; numbers), but a researcher for an online pay-to-play university might be about to change all that. If Dr. Hedupass’s (pronounced Hey-Dew-Pass) recent research is to be believed, correlation may indeed imply causation.

Wait Nancy, do you see that? It's a bunch of bullshit!

“We conducted a correlational study assessing previous correlational studies and their relational to causal outcomes. The data yielded marginally significant p-values (p = .15) suggesting that our model was indeed positively related to causation. That is to say that as the correlational nature of a study increases, so does the relation to causality.” For those who wish to view Dr. Hedupass’s project, he has not posted the data anywhere, but has assured us that the sample size is massive, the data were certainly cherry picked (to assure he got the best ones), and that he has conducted a median split as due diligence for his analysis.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Up yours my former stats teacher who failed me in high school for implying that my correlation between dinosaur attacks and genetic modification was not a ‘cause’ for alarm.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Amateur Statistician, and Raptor Alarmist

Pearson Education Games

May 4, 2015, MOS EISELY, TATOOINE

Mandatory scary picture of test bubbles. 

Today The Pattison Chronicle turns its ever-watchful eye to education. It seems that thousands of children and parents have taken it upon themselves to mutiny against the United States Standardized Testing System. Now, like many others, I am angry at the un-American nature of these protests, but also enamored by their rebellious nature. In response, Pearson education has adopted a new form of incentive for those who wish to abstain from their almighty testing procedures.

To combat the rise of those who are refusing to taking their tests, Pearson will be instituting what they refer to as an educational ‘battle royal’. In each school district, one child who failed or did not take the test will be chosen to compete for their right to object in a death-arena mad-max-esque style of justice and adjudication. “This takes the element of fear out of the test, and puts it elsewhere. We’ve had many complaints that children feel pressured to do well on the test. Now it’s more of a pressure to survive.”

Our editor got lazy and filled the rest of the article with pugs, because HOLY SHIT PUGS. 

Education scientists have also theorized that this blood sport might help eliminate some of the racial bias inherent in standard testing procedures. “So long as it’s weapon of choice, in a random location, there should be no racial disparity in combat ability.”

Some have criticized the idea as heavy-handed, but the motion is expected to pass with bipartisan support, as it is “an interesting way to deal with our failing education system.”

I am left with but one question: “If John does not wish to take the standardized test, and he is picked to participate in the Pearson Education Games, with a chance of 1 in 13,000 in survival; are the odds in his favor?

 A) Yes

B) Maybe

C) No

D) I’m not taking this test, sign me up

E) Where is the line for conscientious objector permits?”

Homeless Camp Out for Star Wars

May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...

It’s May 4^th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.  

Artists rendering of the shantytown

Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles. 

$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...

A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."

You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4^th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).

--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder

Interview With a Tow Orca

May 1, 2015 THE OCEAN, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL

For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

SEATTLE RUNNING AN ORCA SEX-SLAVE RING

April 27, 2015, SEATTLE, WA [HOTBED OF SIN]

Many of you will recall the exposé The Pattison Chronicle ran a few months back detailing the atrocities perpetrated by the Vancouver BC ferry companies against orca whales. If you need a refresher, or just want to support the cause, you can re-read the article here: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html. While many of us thought that the orca slavery industry had fallen on hard times (probably as a direct result of our staff harassing ferry captains), a recent excursion into Seattle has proved otherwise.

Will the exploitation ever end?

It was a typical Saturday night, walking home, the Mariners had lost, and everything seemed normal, until I came across this sign:

Notice how the orca's dorsal fin is erect to indicate arousal. Sick bastards.

At first glance, it might appear to be only a transportation system whimsically themed after one of nature’s most powerful and awe-inspiring creatures, but in truth, it is something far more sinister. The sign reads “Tap Orca Here”. The Seattle Transit Authority will argue that tapping an “Orca Card” will merely result in payment for transportation. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The sign is a simple invitation to those who wish to find companionship in the form of an orca. “Tap Orcas” or simply Prostitorcas as they are commonly known, are majestic beasts that can be rented out for pennies using an “Orca Card” and used for nefarious sexual purposes.

Artwork indicating an orca brothel is nearby. Photo Credit: Citizen Journalist in Training, Shaun del Rosario

We reached out to the Seattle Transit Authority for a statement, but all we received was a form letter stating that our claims were both “frivolous” and “childish”. If our accusations are so childish, why hide? The evidence is piling up surrounding this shadow organization, and the ice is close to breaking. In the next month, The Pattison Chronicle will be releasing several articles detailing the injustices occurring in the name of public transportation in the heart of Seattle. So stay tuned, tell your friends, and for the love of God subscribe. Our egos cannot be maintained on hubris alone. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Protector of Porpoises, Vigilante Journalist

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

Man Sues Nike for Murder

April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST

I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 

Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1^st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?

New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.

MAC TURBINE, HAMMER FARM

Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 
5. 
   
   
   
   

Hilary Clinton to Join Mortal Kombat X Roster

April 12, 2015 THE NEATHER REALM

This weekend has been full of excitement; Game of Thrones is coming back, Daredevil premiered, and on a less important note, Hilary Clinton announced that she is going to be running for president (sarcasm, HILARY 2016). With the newly announced presidential candidate being thrust back into the limelight, wild rumors have already begun to circulate. While most of them have no truth (Hilary Clinton is most definitely not a lizard person, check our guide to be sure: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2015/01/5-signs-your-congressman-might-be.html), but one rumor in particular has been validated.

In a recent leak it has been revealed that Hilary Clinton will be the next to join an ever growing roster of characters for Tuesday’s release of Mortal Kombat X. While no one at Nether Realm Studios has confirmed the leak, screenshots have already been obtained showing the future president’s 3 fighting styles (screenshots not included because we’re tired, and Photoshop is hard): 1. Secretary of Smackdown, this fighting style is characterized by hard political ultimatums and death by a thousand paperwork cuts. 2. Brutality Bearskin Bill, this style sees Hilary combining forms with former president Bill Clinton and a Bear skin rug for animalistic attacks, and a no doubt skimpy costume. 3. Finally we have the Putin Payback, a style characterized by unquenchable rage, fueled mainly by the asinine acts of Vladimir Putin over the last year. It is speculated that this will be the most damage heavy style.

What do you, the readers think? I for one will be picking up a kopy of the game on release date for research (at least that’s what I tell my advisor). Got any cool artistic interpretations for the leaked skins? Send them to our submissions intern at ashtondmacaulay@gmail.com, and we’ll put them up on the blog!

--Ashton Macaulay, Servant of Kotal Kan, Player of Erran Black, Future Nether Realm Studios Employee? (please?)

Climate Change or Giant Lizard?

March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA

Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts...

Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes). Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole global warming debate.

“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning. According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.

Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo

“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s interview team had their back turned.

What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!

*Patent Pending*

--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier

New Depression Treatment Outperforms Traditional SSRIs

March 27, 2015

Today a private firm released a shocking study that has to have the pharmaceutical industry on edge. In a ten week lab study researchers have found that exposure to an orangutan in a top hat is ten times more effective than traditional SSRIs when treating depression. Dr. Krieger Von Nonrealle spoke at a press conference about the revolutionary new procedure. “The procedure is relatively simple: First we take a patient with severe depression, second, we take them into a barren room, and finally we expose them to an orangutan in a top hat.” When patients were exposed to this treatment they demonstrated reduction in depressive symptoms almost immediately.

“We find that some people are initially frightened by the inclusion of a large mammal in the therapeutic process, but the top hat puts them at ease. There is evidence to believe that the addition of a fitted tuxedo and banana cane might increase our results even further.” The conference went on to say that the day of modern antipsychotics is quickly coming to an end. Tactile Orangutan Procedure for Healthy Active Treatment or TOPHAT for short is surprisingly less expensive than most prescription drugs, and so far well over ten times more effective.

“There’s no reason to think that this couldn’t be applied to more disorders, we just need the funding to continue our research, and to sponsor distribution.” The TOPHAT program has started a Kickstarter campaign to help raise awareness for their treatment. Check out their website https://twitter.com/ThePattison (totally not just our twitter page) and donate to help stop big pharma now! Let us move towards a brighter future filled with less mind rotting drugs, and more whimsically dressed endangered species!

--Ashton Macaulay, Psychology Masters Candidate (so I’m an ‘expert) and Orangutan in Training