FOX Skirts the Issues in First Debate

CLEVELAND, OH

The first republican debate was held on FOX News last night (Jesus, that hurts), and for the most part it was what people expected. Ten republican candidates went head-to-head in an arena-style death match, and the American public got mildly excited, but mostly confused. In all the spectacle it was hard to notice some of the major issues that the moderators passed over in this crucial debate. The Pattison Chronicle has made a list of questions that we think should have been discussed last night. If you like our suggestions,, make sure to Tweet them during the next debate so that we can keep the American public informed about who they’re voting for.

What is your favorite color?

Historically, this has been a hallmark of the debate in which candidates flounder and eventually answer a three-way tie between red, white, and blue. While there are still more debates to come (our political analysts say about a million), it appears that this trying question will go unanswered. As a result, The Pattison Chronicle has no choice but to wildly speculate about republican front-runner Donald Trump.

Where do you stand on the extradition of feline-hating dental workers?

I think we all know that this is a very important question, and one of the most pressing issues in the nation to date. In the wake of all the malpractice suits in feline dentistry, it is crucial to address this issue in the public forum. We must say “No more!” to amateur feline dentists, and instead increase state funding for professional veterinary dental schooling.

 Some off-the-wall question from a Millennial who thought they were tweeting to a reality TV show.

It was a shocking disappointment to find that the debate moderators actually screened their Twitter questions this year. I for one would have liked to know the answer to “Who’s going to win this season?” and “Which of the candidates is the hottest?” Without the answers to these hard-hitting questions, I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to participate in voting (it’s hard guys). For our money, the hottest candidate has to be Jeb Bush (see artist rendering below).

What did you think of last night’s debate? Were there any questions you would have liked to see that we missed? Let us know in the comments on Facebook and Twitter. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Piss-Poor Photoshop Artist, Future Pirate (When Rent Comes Up)

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

School Sued Over Religious Biology Program

June 4, 2015

SEATTLE, WA, LIBERAL SAFEHAVEN

Non-threatening High-school photo to lure in unsuspecting viewers...

A school in Seattle Washington is in hot water today after a teacher has been accused of incorporating religious ideals into a biology class. The discovery came after first grader Jaden Miller (fake name, because he’s a child, you animals), came home with a ‘science project’ assigned to him by the school. The teacher asked Jaden to care for and study a praying mantis for a week, and write up a report to share with the class. Understandably his mother was outraged, and immediately found a way to sue the school system which just has too much money to begin with (all those bribes from the church keeping the cats fat).

Pope Mantis III, 2020, 5 years after mantis uprising

“I was just shocked that they would do this. Keep it in church, you insectoid bastards!” It is worth noting that ‘insectoid’ is not the proper term for referring to a praying mantis, or any insect for that matter, but Mrs. Miller dropped biology in high school claiming secular exemption.

Jesus of Mantisereth, 2050, 20 years after The Great Mantis Nuclear War

The school responded quickly by creating a rigorous training program for faculty and all insects on campus to ensure separation of church from the learning environment. All mantises now have their hands bound in a ‘high five’ gesture which has no religious affiliation and is less austere when compared to their traditional pose of prayer.

A mantis blends in, 5 years before mantis uprising.

More on this as it develops.

--Ashton Macaulay, Mantis in Human Clothing, No I’m not, Sure You Aren’t Flesh-Bag