March 27, 2015
Today a private firm released a shocking study that has to
have the pharmaceutical industry on edge. In a ten week lab study researchers
have found that exposure to an orangutan in a top hat is ten times more
effective than traditional SSRIs when treating depression. Dr. Krieger Von
Nonrealle spoke at a press conference about the revolutionary new procedure.
“The procedure is relatively simple: First we take a patient with severe
depression, second, we take them into a barren room, and finally we expose them
to an orangutan in a top hat.” When patients were exposed to this treatment
they demonstrated reduction in depressive symptoms almost immediately.
“We find that some people are initially frightened by the
inclusion of a large mammal in the therapeutic process, but the top hat puts
them at ease. There is evidence to believe that the addition of a fitted tuxedo
and banana cane might increase our results even further.” The conference went
on to say that the day of modern antipsychotics is quickly coming to an end.
Tactile Orangutan Procedure for Healthy Active Treatment or TOPHAT for short is
surprisingly less expensive than most prescription drugs, and so far well over
ten times more effective.
“There’s no reason to think that this couldn’t be applied to
more disorders, we just need the funding to continue our research, and to
sponsor distribution.” The TOPHAT program has started a Kickstarter campaign to
help raise awareness for their treatment. Check out their website https://twitter.com/ThePattison
(totally not just our twitter page) and donate to help stop big pharma now! Let
us move towards a brighter future filled with less mind rotting drugs, and more
whimsically dressed endangered species!
--Ashton Macaulay, Psychology Masters Candidate (so I’m an
‘expert) and Orangutan in Training
No comments:
Post a Comment