Hilary Clinton's E-mail Was the Tip of the Iceberg...

MARCH 5, 2015 WHITE HOUSE, FL

It would appear that the democratic party is not to be outdone by the oppositional circus that is the GOP. In a candidacy that had previously been unmarred by scandal (because it’s not even official yet), Hilary Clinton appears to have hit a snag. We’re not referring to the fact that she used her personal e-mail for government business (we’re all fine with that), the real issue is what she was using her e-mail for…

In the realm of Clash of Clans there is one who is only spoken of as the destroyer, the raper, the pillager, and the defiler. Until now their identity was previously unknown, but most just referred to them as “a total dick”. Today with the uncovering of Hilary Clinton’s personal e-mail, the identity of this barbaric warlord has been revealed.

“It’s not even fun when she plays. She just takes and takes, with no remorse. That’s not the kind of politician I want running this country.”  LivesAtHome444 isn’t the only one who has raised issues with Clinton’s clash of clan’s tactics.

Rush Limbaugh said, “It is completely unreasonable. We had an alliance for seven days and on the eight she burnt my entire village to the ground. Leave it to a woman…” Unfortunately Mr. Limbaugh’s comments had to be cut out for brevity (and decency), but a full report can be found on our archives page (we don’t have one, it’s just a black hole guarded by a wampa ice beast, so good fucking luck).

I'd vote for her... My crops need saving.

Clinton has refused to comment on the speculation that she is in fact ScorchedEarth69, but a group of barbarians has martialed outside the capital office where the leak came from. In other completely unrelated news, Vladmir Putin has sent an internet proposal, claiming “Her destruction is the single bastion of beauty left in this world.” While creepy, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, as an international wedding to seal the peace treaty between the US and Russia might be just medieval enough to work…

We’ll have more on this bullshit as it continues to stay relevant for some reason…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Political Correspondent, DontHurtMeHilary99, and Herder of Goats