Many were excited to hear that hip-hop icon and
self-proclaimed playboy Justin Bieber was to be roasted on Comedy Central last
night, but even the most avid despisers of the Canadian misstep might be
appalled at what actually transpired. The night began with clever jibes and
witticisms, but appears to have ended in a spontaneous act of cannibalism and numerous
human rights violations.
The following is a transcription of the original phone-call
received by police at 10:15PM last night.
“Hello Officer?” the woman speaking is Gladys Merywhether, an old person
who prides herself on speaking nonsense, and the loss of her driver’s license.
“Yes, I smell bacon cooking in that comedy channel building, and I think it’s
far too late for them to be consuming pork. I think there might be something
wrong.” While the tip was quickly disregarded as frivolous, old person drivel,
the police did follow-up when auto-tuned screams began to emanate from the
studio in which the roast was being shot.
When they arrived they found the shirtless diva on a spit,
turning slowly over hot coals. “It appeared that Kevin Hart was stuffing an
apple in his mouth while Martha Stewart glazed him with a butter cream sauce.
The whole murder was strangely appetizing, but of course we had to bring them
all in. Murder is murder, even if it comes with a side dish.”
 |
| Feel free to add kale as a healthy afterthought. |
We caught up with Martha Stewart as she prepared to make her
trip to the courthouse for the second time “I’ve already done my nickel, go
ahead and take me! I’m the baddest bitch in that house.” She faces charges of
first degree murder and cannibal negligence. These charges have never been
presented together and make an interesting case for both judge and jury.
Fortunately the pop-star was unable to be resuscitated as “most
of his organs had already begun to carmelize.” For once it’s not all bad news
at The Pattison Chronicle. Have a lovely Monday, and thank you for reading the
most accurate news source south of FOX.
--Ashton Macaulay, Chief Editor, Chief Contributor, and
Honorable Mention in The Pattison Chronicle Writing Competition (Damn you Stu!)
No comments:
Post a Comment