Is your child on drugs or an alien?

Have you been noticing something different about your teen as of late? Are they exhibiting mood swings, irrational behavior, and/or changing in appearance? Some so called ‘experts’ might try and tell you that this is a normal part of development, but the reality is far more dramatic. Here at The Pattison Chronicle we employ a talented team of parenting scientists (they don’t pay me, and I have no training), and they tell us that all of these symptoms point to one of two issues: Hard Drugs or Alien Abduction/Probing. We’ve created an easy to follow guide to help tell what’s wrong with your teen, because there’s not a chance in hell that it’s normal development.

I hope that this guide has helped you identify the problems that your teen is facing. Rather than providing advice or helpful tips on how to deal with these issues, we’ll leave you with this message: PANIC! Clearly, your child is messed up, and no one else is having the same problems.

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New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.

MAC TURBINE, HAMMER FARM

Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 
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Seahawks Investigated for Performance Enhancers

January 19, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

"National F***-All League"

Amidst the turmoil that has accompanied the Patriots being investigated for deflated balls (they let Lance Armstrong race!), it appears that the NFL will have another scandal to add to the ever-growing pile. Fans cheered and heaped thunderous applause after a last-minute comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in yesterday’s championship game, but new evidence suggests that skittles might not have been the ultimate driving force behind this victory. Mac Turbine reports.

MAC TURBINE, DICKS BURGERS, WA

It appears that the Seahawks will be joining the list of professional teams accused of cheating today. NFL commissioner (and dark lord of The Sith) Roger Goodell claims that there is speculation that the team may have been using ‘outside help’. While many believed Marshawn Lynch’s golden shoes to be merely a publicity stunt, the commissioner and the NFLs game review committee thought differently.

“There is a good chance that Marshawn’s shoes were coated in a substance only previously thought to be possible in the realm of science fiction.” While the committee refused to elaborate, I think we all know what the substance they’re referring to is. Last seen aiding an ailing college basketball team in 1997, the performance enhancing drug, ‘flubber’, was thought to be long gone. Unfortunately for the sporting industry it appears that this volatile substance may be making a resurgence in the greater Seattle area.

The shoes are currently being held for questioning.

I was able to conduct a brief interview with the football star earlier today. “Marshawn, did you coat your shoes with the performance enhancing drug ‘flubber’ before yesterday’s game?”

“Yeah.” The simple one-word response says it all.

PATTISON CHRONICLE NEWS ROOM, NORTH POLE

Authorities are urging everyone to report any suspicious activity in the Seattle area that might indicate the production of flubber. Residents are asked to keep an eye out for oddly charming professors, flying cars, and the creation of a new Seattle basketball team. I think I speak for all of us here at the chronicle when I say: “YEAH, GO HAWKS, GO HAWKS! SUPERBOWL! FOOBALL! FLUBBER BE DAMNED! YEAHHHHH!”

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, and 1990 Comedy Addict