World Set to Enter 7th Mass Extinction

June 26^th, 2015 PANIC TOWN, USA

Scary picture of the sun to remind you that you are never safe! That means you Bill!

Over the past week there have been many articles touting the idea that the world is heading into its sixth mass extinction (http://www.popsci.com/were-entering-sixth-mass-extinction-and-its-our-fault). These so-called ‘scientists’ may be correct that we have entered the sixth extinction period, but the seventh might be about to beat it to the punch. If Instagram user Mac_Ashton is to be believed, he will be the source of earth’s destruction. Not global warming, not terrorism, not herds of anti-abortion rabbits toting legally exposed high-powered firearms (I’m pretty worried about that one), but instead a madman with a foot of unimaginable size.

Maybe if we follow, subscribe, and comment he'll let it go.
https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/

As seen above, the user has provided photographic evidence that he indeed has his foot on the sun, and is willing to step on it if his demands are not met. When our senior hostage negotiation intern reached out for said list of demands, we received nothing but maniacal laughter and the intern’s pinky in return. A reputable scientist (who shan’t be named because he’s so damned reputable), has already authenticated the photo and confirmed, “We’re all pretty screwed.”

After examining all the facts, two things are clear: The seventh mass extinction is on its way, and we’re never getting Jimmy back. Rest in peace little guy, now go get The Big Guy a cappuccino and keep your mouth shut.

To Elroy's Parents, He still owed us like five bucks, so if you could please...

--Ashton Macaulay, Alarmist, User Mac_Ashton, Destroyer of Worlds?

Be sure to like our Facebook page, follow us on twitter, and shout our name from the rooftops, because we have egos that demand inflating. 

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Instagram: https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/
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New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.

MAC TURBINE, HAMMER FARM

Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 
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Ferguson Shooting was Self-Defense

March 12, 2015 FERGUSON, MO

In a shocking role reversal it would appear that two Ferguson police officers were shot early Thursday morning (that part is true). Already the department has labeled the acts as an “ambush”, and condemns the shooter for their actions. While the shooter has not stepped forward into the spotlight, The Pattison Chronicle has managed to secure an exclusive interview with them. Rather than blindly incriminating this individual, we would ask the public to first allow for due process.

There are no black hoodies in this scenario, therefore it is self-defense! See Flowchart below...

The suspect cannot be described for anonymity purposes, but let’s just assume he’s an early 20’s male in a black hoodie. When asked about the “ambush” nature of the shooting he had this to say: “It wasn’t an ambush. I was acting in self-defense as anyone else would.” For those who don’t have time to read every internet story (don’t worry, somehow I do), the police officers were walking down the steps when one was shot in the face and the other in the shoulder (also true), both lived but it was a close call.

“I thought it was weird that they were walking down the center of the steps. This is a historically aggressive population you have to remember, and it was the middle of the night. I was suspicious from the beginning.” The young male goes on to claim that the police officers were armed and made no attempt to stop moving when he called out to them. “I told them to stop advancing. I could see that they had guns on them and just acted. Anyone else would have done the same in my position.”

While the evidence we obtained has not yet been investigated, if the grand jury rulings are any precedent, as long as our young male is white, he should be acquitted within the month. We here at The Pattison Chronicle look forward to this young man’s exoneration and have already made up T-shirts (that may have been a niche market).

--Ashton Macaulay, Police Law Specialist, Bird Law Enthusiast, and Minor in Political Science (not true)