Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

World Set to Enter 7th Mass Extinction

June 26^th, 2015 PANIC TOWN, USA

Scary picture of the sun to remind you that you are never safe! That means you Bill!

Over the past week there have been many articles touting the idea that the world is heading into its sixth mass extinction (http://www.popsci.com/were-entering-sixth-mass-extinction-and-its-our-fault). These so-called ‘scientists’ may be correct that we have entered the sixth extinction period, but the seventh might be about to beat it to the punch. If Instagram user Mac_Ashton is to be believed, he will be the source of earth’s destruction. Not global warming, not terrorism, not herds of anti-abortion rabbits toting legally exposed high-powered firearms (I’m pretty worried about that one), but instead a madman with a foot of unimaginable size.

Maybe if we follow, subscribe, and comment he'll let it go.
https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/

As seen above, the user has provided photographic evidence that he indeed has his foot on the sun, and is willing to step on it if his demands are not met. When our senior hostage negotiation intern reached out for said list of demands, we received nothing but maniacal laughter and the intern’s pinky in return. A reputable scientist (who shan’t be named because he’s so damned reputable), has already authenticated the photo and confirmed, “We’re all pretty screwed.”

After examining all the facts, two things are clear: The seventh mass extinction is on its way, and we’re never getting Jimmy back. Rest in peace little guy, now go get The Big Guy a cappuccino and keep your mouth shut.

To Elroy's Parents, He still owed us like five bucks, so if you could please...

--Ashton Macaulay, Alarmist, User Mac_Ashton, Destroyer of Worlds?

Be sure to like our Facebook page, follow us on twitter, and shout our name from the rooftops, because we have egos that demand inflating. 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ThePattisonChronicle
Instagram: https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ThePattison

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

LAPD Releases Training Materials for Recruits to the Public

March 2, 2015 LOS ANGELES, CA

"Protect and serve... the white majority?"
--Full LAPD Seal, cut off for aesthetic purposes

In a wake of recent shootings the LAPD has repeatedly been under fire for the brutality displayed by its officers. As a response to the outrage, the LAPD released information about how their officers are trained this morning to help assuage public fear. “We believe that transparency is the only true way to true clemency, and will thus release all of the training materials that we give to our incoming officers to the public. I think you will find that they are more than adequately prepared for the field when they are given their badge.”

The police captain may have been confident in their training materials, but experts around the country have been examining them with a critical eye, and have been less than pleased. “Their ‘training materials’ are a copy of The Shawshank Redemption and old ‘reefer madness’ promotional materials from the thirties!” Said an expert in police training from the department of Justice. Many scientists are suggesting that some of the LAPDs tactics might be a result of such aggressive training materials, but the police captain has assured us that the two are “completely unrelated”.

“The fact of the matter is that each group of recruits is going to have a few bad eggs, and we’re not going to be able to catch them all. Say what you will about Shawshank, but that prison was in tip-top condition. One escape in hundreds of years? That’s better than our criminal system’s record. Not to mention the fact that their staff was respected by all the inmates, which is our main goal for the Los Angeles Police Force.”

We at The Pattison Chronicle train our police with Lethal Weapon, and so far none of them have showed up for work… More on this story as it develops.

-- Mac Turbine, Martial Arts Expert, Senior Enforcer Staff Member, & Billy Club Aficionado

Comcast Resorts to Physical Threats after Net Neutrality Ruling

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2015 COMCAST HQ

The FCC today voted in favor of Net Neutrality, making it impossible for internet providers such as Comcast (assholes) to slow down speeds of websites such as Netflix (the one true God, resurrector of Arrested Development), if they refuse to pay protection money. Many internet users are very happy about this ruling (as it will keep their porn speeds from slowing), but there is a darker side.

Comcast has always maintained its image as a monopoly that is not to be fucked with, and when their surreptitious (not really) methods of shaking down internet companies for money are taken away the result is bloody. While Comcast may not be able to slow down broadband speeds they can still physically contact the owners of companies such as Youtube or Hulu (careful out there guys). It may not be a coincidence that today Comcast put out an open hiring post for “Men with lots of muscles, shaved heads, and ill-tempers”.

He looks friendly enough.

Comcast wishes to assure its customers that “We are not taking these measures as a means of attack, but as a means of defense. You’ll still see the same installation technician, but they will also be trained in martial arts, just as a precaution.”

"I've given you all the CAT5 cables I have! What else do you want?!"

Also this afternoon Comcast “power-cycled” the internet, by turning off all of their servers for sixty seconds and then turning them on again. “It’s what our customer service representative recommended, and in no way was meant to be seen as a power play to those who think they can get away with consistent internet speeds for a consistent price.” The outage only lasted for a minute or so, but the message was clear: Don’t screw with the powers at be, blindly pay your cable bill and look the other way.

We here at The Pattison Chronicle support net neutrality (no more throttling when I try to watch House of Cards in my bathtub, with a pint of ice cream, whilst simultaneously streaming old presidential addresses on my 3 multimedia devices, live tweeting the event on my xbox, and uploading the entire debacle to Youtube at 1080p resolution).

--Ashton Macaulay, Internet User, Somalian Pirate, and Giver of ‘0’ fucks