Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free

Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."

The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

Comcast Resorts to Physical Threats after Net Neutrality Ruling

FEBRUARY 26TH, 2015 COMCAST HQ

The FCC today voted in favor of Net Neutrality, making it impossible for internet providers such as Comcast (assholes) to slow down speeds of websites such as Netflix (the one true God, resurrector of Arrested Development), if they refuse to pay protection money. Many internet users are very happy about this ruling (as it will keep their porn speeds from slowing), but there is a darker side.

Comcast has always maintained its image as a monopoly that is not to be fucked with, and when their surreptitious (not really) methods of shaking down internet companies for money are taken away the result is bloody. While Comcast may not be able to slow down broadband speeds they can still physically contact the owners of companies such as Youtube or Hulu (careful out there guys). It may not be a coincidence that today Comcast put out an open hiring post for “Men with lots of muscles, shaved heads, and ill-tempers”.

He looks friendly enough.

Comcast wishes to assure its customers that “We are not taking these measures as a means of attack, but as a means of defense. You’ll still see the same installation technician, but they will also be trained in martial arts, just as a precaution.”

"I've given you all the CAT5 cables I have! What else do you want?!"

Also this afternoon Comcast “power-cycled” the internet, by turning off all of their servers for sixty seconds and then turning them on again. “It’s what our customer service representative recommended, and in no way was meant to be seen as a power play to those who think they can get away with consistent internet speeds for a consistent price.” The outage only lasted for a minute or so, but the message was clear: Don’t screw with the powers at be, blindly pay your cable bill and look the other way.

We here at The Pattison Chronicle support net neutrality (no more throttling when I try to watch House of Cards in my bathtub, with a pint of ice cream, whilst simultaneously streaming old presidential addresses on my 3 multimedia devices, live tweeting the event on my xbox, and uploading the entire debacle to Youtube at 1080p resolution).

--Ashton Macaulay, Internet User, Somalian Pirate, and Giver of ‘0’ fucks

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Adventureland Quarantined Due to Measles Outbreak

The now closed customs in Adventureland

January 10^th, 2015. ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

In the wake of a series of increasingly viral diseases in Disneyland, park management has begun to take preventative measures. The West African colony of Adventureland has been quarantined, with its inhabitants stuck there for the foreseeable future. Mac Turbine reports from the field.

MAC TURBINE, OUTSIDE ADVENTURELAND, WEST AFRICA, CALIFORNIA

Mandatory scary Ebola picture.

It’s a scene of absolute chaos here in the border town of Main Street USA. Foreign aid churro stands have been wheeling in and out of Adventureland all day, providing what little they can to those quarantined inside. While initially measles was the only suspected outbreak, our senior viral analyst (and 10 time dog show winner) now suspects that there may be strains of Ebola, West-Nile virus, and Jumping Shingles as well.

Original reports suggested that the disease may have been brought in by park guests, but later investigation pointed to the cesspool that is The Jungle Cruise. With combined living spaces for a myriad of African animals, this attraction has always been a disaster waiting to happen…

One thing is for sure, the mouse will not be letting anyone out until the country has let the diseases run their course.

--Mac Turbine, Reporter in the Field and Amateur Zoologist

Netflix, Streaming Service, or Corporate Swamp Beast?

January 6^th, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

            

Red for the blood of the innocents (which they drink)

Today is a dark day for the internet video industry as the streaming service Netflix is facing a lawsuit following the release of seasons 1-10 of Friends online. For those who are unfamiliar, Netflix is an online streaming service that offers thousands of options for procrastination and social alienation for a modest $7.99 a month. The victim claims that he was no longer able to complete basic daily tasks such as: Eating, drinking, or feeding his cats after the release of Friends to the online streaming service.

           

“It’s just, there’s so much to watch now, and I can’t stop. I really want to, but Netflix just won’t let me.” The man has asked to remain nameless due to threats toward his feline counterparts from the shadowy corporate killing machine Netflix. The man is seeking $40,000 in reparations, which as he states is “enough for me to finish the entire series without having to work or care for my children.”

            

There has been no response as of yet from the morally reprehensible lie factory Netflix, but we here at the Pattison Chronicle can assure you that a statement will be made public as soon as it is available (we have interns attempting corporate espionage right now). More about this story as it develops.

--Burt Jinzley