Vaccinations: Dangerous Government Plot or Source of the Xmen?

February 5, 2015 BELLINGHAM, WA

The recent outbreak of diseases (Ebola, west-nile virus, typhoid, plague, etc…) in Disney’s West-African country of Adventureland has prompted a serious debate into the nature of vaccinations. Were the chaos, pandemonium, death, decay, and harm to children really caused by parents’ choices not to vaccinate? While we can’t be a hundred percent sure (we can be), The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best to examine what exactly vaccinations are so as to better educate the public!

5 Things You Should Know About Vaccinations

1. Sure, some people (Jenny McCarthy, hope we didn’t spell that right) say that vaccines cause autism (they don’t), but what they never talk about is the benefits of non-vaccination (there are none). I'm pretty sure Barry Allen never got vaccinated and look what happened!

Pending DC Comics Lawsuit

2. Vaccinations are actually just made with orange juice at different levels of decomposition (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, big pharma needs the money).

New slogan for orange juice pending

3. Charlie Sheen doesn’t get his kids vaccinated (that one’s actually true), and everyone knows the cool kids love The Sheen. Hop on the Sheen train everybody!

No caption necessary

4. The Iron Lung might sound like a cool superhero name, and it totally is.

If Ralph on The Simpsons would say it, you know it's bad.

5. Finally, vaccinations are manufactured by the devil (Bible et al., 0).

Avenged Sevenfold had some hits right? And non-vaccinating is so not metal...

All in all it’s up to the people to decide what they want to do, but I can say this: For every reader who provides proof of their child’s vaccination, I will donate $1 to the Save the Tow Orcas Foundation (most certainly not run by me). I hope you have found this as educational and intellectually arousing as I have!

--Dr. Buncher, Pattison Chronicle on Staff Dr., Registered Plastic Surgeon, and Horse   

Adventureland Quarantined Due to Measles Outbreak

The now closed customs in Adventureland

January 10^th, 2015. ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

In the wake of a series of increasingly viral diseases in Disneyland, park management has begun to take preventative measures. The West African colony of Adventureland has been quarantined, with its inhabitants stuck there for the foreseeable future. Mac Turbine reports from the field.

MAC TURBINE, OUTSIDE ADVENTURELAND, WEST AFRICA, CALIFORNIA

Mandatory scary Ebola picture.

It’s a scene of absolute chaos here in the border town of Main Street USA. Foreign aid churro stands have been wheeling in and out of Adventureland all day, providing what little they can to those quarantined inside. While initially measles was the only suspected outbreak, our senior viral analyst (and 10 time dog show winner) now suspects that there may be strains of Ebola, West-Nile virus, and Jumping Shingles as well.

Original reports suggested that the disease may have been brought in by park guests, but later investigation pointed to the cesspool that is The Jungle Cruise. With combined living spaces for a myriad of African animals, this attraction has always been a disaster waiting to happen…

One thing is for sure, the mouse will not be letting anyone out until the country has let the diseases run their course.

--Mac Turbine, Reporter in the Field and Amateur Zoologist