Guide to Creating Political Arguments

There's been a lot of buzz the past few days over a chart presented by anti-abortion representative Jason Chaffetz (See Chart Here). We here at The Pattison Chronicle didn't think it was fair for highly trained political obfuscators to have a leg-up on our readers, so we've put together another one of our world famous guides to help you understand. Behold:

THE PATTISON CHRONICLE GUIDE TO CREATING POLITICAL ARGUMENTS

Step 1: 

Pick the point you want to make. For our purposes we will be using the point that Justin Bieber has lead to the systematic destruction of the American way of life (you could really pick anyone for this).

Step 2: 

Link something to your point that helps strengthen your cause. This can be done with spurious correlations, unrelated factoids, or just plain lying. For our example, Justin Bieber is the same height as Hitler (100% True), would you let hitler sing to your kids?

Step 3:

Present your findings in a seemingly meaninful fashion. Here we have included a graph correlating attacks by ISIS with Justin Bieber record sales.

Step 4: 

Vehemently defend your point even in the face of overwhelming evidence against it. This part is key, as if you don't, people will think you are stupid.

That's it, you should have all you need to create your own ludicrous argument, and piss off your neighbors. Remember, stick to your point, and never surrender to logic! Be sure to share any campaigns that you create using our system with us on Facebook and Twitter. Without you we're just alone in a studio apartment with a cat (our headquarters), and that's no way to live. 

Fallmageddon

Perfect place for death by selfie

September 23^rd marks the end of summer, and the beginning of fall. For most people this is a time of preparation, stocking up for winter and preparing for hibernation (is that humans or bears? I can never remember). However, this fall is not going to be ordinary. If our meteorologists at The Pattison Chronicle Weather Center are correct (and we’re pretty sure they aren’t), we could be on the brink of one of the deadliest autumns in history.

Scientists are calling it Fallmageddon. With the popularity of dead tree leaves, “genuine” fall photos, and pumpkin spice lattes, we are almost certainly due for one of the most heavily hash tagged falls of all time. “First off, we’re going to be seeing a lot of tweet waves. Residents should prepare themselves by understanding that all social media channels will be clogged with photos of dead leaves and autumn themed Starbucks drinks,” warned Pattison Chronicle Meteorologist Pat Weatherman in a speech today which no one attended due to its lack of social media buzz. “If we’re not careful, social media won’t be able to dispense cat videos, and we could be looking at least a two-month drought.” A recent poll by Pattison scientists showed that without these cat videos, depression rates in the United States could skyrocket.

Many Bothans died to give us this information

The second threat we will be facing is what’s known as “Death by Selfie”. More and more teens (who are we kidding, the guy who died at the Taj Mahal was middle-aged), are perishing in the attempt to get that perfect picture. As fall rolls around, this will only continue to get worse. Drivers are urged to use extra caution in watching for pedestrians who might be trying to snap “genuine” pictures in the middle of the motorway. Pedestrians are asked to be on the lookout for motorists who might be trying to immortalize their Pumpkin Spice Latte, rather than attending to the road.

The Pattison Chronicle asks that you be safe this fall, and #Fallow our simple guide to help lower the autumn death toll. Be sure to tell us on Twitter and Facebook about your preparations for #Fallmageddon.

Financial: ISIS to Attend College Career Fair

It’s no secret that finding a job for qualified, young college graduates is a difficult task in the current economy. Employers are looking for candidates with experience, and unfortunately, our higher education system just doesn’t provide it. Well, for all those fresh-faced graduates, there is one organization that has their back in the cutthroat world of post-college education, and the name might be surprising. In the fall of 2015, ISIS will begin attending career fairs around the country, helping place qualified candidates in what they call ‘entry level positions’.

Yes, today ISIS made an announcement from its desert cave campus, detailing its plans to help the youth of America. “In a word, ISIS is impervious to economic decline. The market may fluctuate, but pillaging is an isolated business, and always provides a stable income. Couple that with our high employee turnover rate, and we’re always looking to hire new talent.” When asked about the ‘turnover rate’, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi claimed that it was because of employees ‘moving on’, but would not list which companies they had been placed with because of confidentiality.

Specifically, ISIS will be looking for candidates with “strong work ethic, leadership capabilities, and the basic strength required to lift an AK-47 to shoulder height.” Their benefits package consists of an all you can pillage policy from Allstate, which allows employees to utilize family heirlooms and other plunder as forms of co-pay. Some might be skeptical of ISIS stepping in to help our kids, but hey, at least their hiring!

What are your thoughts on ISIS as a post-college career? Let us know in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. Be sure to follow us, so that you never miss an article, and tell your friends, because knowledge is power.

Want more articles about ISIS? We've got your back.
We speculate on ISIS's plans for Tunisia
ISIS Documentary Snubbed
ISIS to Host Children's Show

Seattle to Launch a Series of Attack Ads Against Portland

July 29, 2015 SEATTLE WA,  PATTISON CHRONICLE HEADQUARTERS

Seattle has been receiving a lot of negative press in the news lately. Whether it’s massive earthquakes hell-bent on destroying the city, basic violations of human rights by the police force, or massive rent spikes increasing gentrification to obscene levels, Seattle just can’t seem to catch a break. In the wake of the negative PR, Mayor Ed Murray gave a speech this afternoon announcing a plan to steer Seattle back on the path to greatness. That plan involves running a series of attack ads against Seattle’s rival city of Portland Oregon.

Mayor Murray closed today’s historic speech with the line, “Seattle needs to be reminded of how great it truly is, and if the citizens can’t see that, they at least need to know that we’re better than Portland.” The city council then unveiled the designs for the billboards which will be put up all along the I-5 corridor from “Vancouver to Vancouver.” For those who are unaware, the second Vancouver is a small mistake of a town located just north of Portland.

The ad rollout will cost the city of Seattle close to 14 million dollars, but the city financial analysts claim that with the fistfuls of money that they’re making off property, “it just doesn’t really matter.”

Sadly accurate. You don't want to know what our new offices cost...

What do you think of the new ads? Should Portland be angry? Is there really a second Vancouver? Let us know in the comments below, or on Facebook, or on Twitter, or throw a brick through our window, we’re willing to throw down.

--Ashton Macaulay, Manager of The Pattison Chronicle, Recent Seattleite. 

Pope Loses Vatican Splendors in Dice Game

July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY

Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. 

Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.

Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.

Blessed be thy dice...

When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.” 

--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell

Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free

Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."

The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

Good Mountain Bad Mountain: A Geologist's Guide

May 25, 2015, USGS LAB

Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.

Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness. 

Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

A Song of Mice and Fire?

A Song of Mice and Fire...

February 11^th, 2014 THE NORTH, WESTEROS

"So Mickey falls off the Matterohorn..." A Song of Mice and Fire

George R.R. Martin announced today that he has signed a contract with Disney’s animated division to pen the script for their newest Princess film. Disney has been looking to pump some new blood into their universe as the company is still recovering from the box office bomb that was Frozen. Bob Iger (Disney CEO & Possibly Sauron) has said that they want to step away from the ill-conceived fantasy world of previous movies, by stepping into a more grounded and dramatic territory.

As for what the film will look like, we can only speculate. Martin was unable to comment on the movie’s content or characters, so we’ve opted for well-thought-out speculative memes instead…

This new princess film is currently slated for a 2016 release, but this date has been described as “extremely flexible”. Disney already plans to follow up with a set of sequels in 2018 and 2020, although these dates are also flexible, with Martin’s agent saying: “There could be two years between, there could be sixteen, but it will be worth it.” We’ll continue to follow up with more information as it becomes available. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Red Wedding Co-Conspirator,&  Payer of Debts

Vaccinations: Dangerous Government Plot or Source of the Xmen?

February 5, 2015 BELLINGHAM, WA

The recent outbreak of diseases (Ebola, west-nile virus, typhoid, plague, etc…) in Disney’s West-African country of Adventureland has prompted a serious debate into the nature of vaccinations. Were the chaos, pandemonium, death, decay, and harm to children really caused by parents’ choices not to vaccinate? While we can’t be a hundred percent sure (we can be), The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best to examine what exactly vaccinations are so as to better educate the public!

5 Things You Should Know About Vaccinations

1. Sure, some people (Jenny McCarthy, hope we didn’t spell that right) say that vaccines cause autism (they don’t), but what they never talk about is the benefits of non-vaccination (there are none). I'm pretty sure Barry Allen never got vaccinated and look what happened!

Pending DC Comics Lawsuit

2. Vaccinations are actually just made with orange juice at different levels of decomposition (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone, big pharma needs the money).

New slogan for orange juice pending

3. Charlie Sheen doesn’t get his kids vaccinated (that one’s actually true), and everyone knows the cool kids love The Sheen. Hop on the Sheen train everybody!

No caption necessary

4. The Iron Lung might sound like a cool superhero name, and it totally is.

If Ralph on The Simpsons would say it, you know it's bad.

5. Finally, vaccinations are manufactured by the devil (Bible et al., 0).

Avenged Sevenfold had some hits right? And non-vaccinating is so not metal...

All in all it’s up to the people to decide what they want to do, but I can say this: For every reader who provides proof of their child’s vaccination, I will donate $1 to the Save the Tow Orcas Foundation (most certainly not run by me). I hope you have found this as educational and intellectually arousing as I have!

--Dr. Buncher, Pattison Chronicle on Staff Dr., Registered Plastic Surgeon, and Horse   

PETA Lashes out at Katy Perry About Half-Time Show Performance

"Fighting for animal rights humans don't even have."

February 2, 2015 SEATTLE WASHINGTON

In the wake of a disappointing Superbowl outcome the citizens of Washington have been re-directing their attention to the ‘real’ winner of the Superbowl. I’m speaking of course about Katy Perry. Many tuned into yesterday’s half-time show with the lackluster enthusiasm of a generation that has seen it all (looking at you Janet), but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Ms. Perry finished her soulful rendition of her hit single Animal Noises. However, there are some who are very displeased with the performance, and mostly they’re PETA.

Because being the Mockingjay just wasn't enough was it?

A spokesperson for PETA (People for Extreme Trivial Activism) said the following: “Not only did Katy Perry manage to abuse a well-loved species by removing it from its natural habitat…” Referring to the dancing sharks during Song that No Longer Contains Snoop Dogg. “…She also took an endangered species, oppressed it into servitude, and rode it for the crowd’s amusement. It is one of the biggest catastrophes in animal rights history, and frankly I’m appalled that the NFL has done nothing about it. Ms. Perry should face heavy fines if not jail-time for her actions.” While the representative may have seemed a bit uppity, they may have a point. At one point during the performance it is very clear that the sharks are under duress (likely due to the lack of water on the stage) and can be seen gasping for air.

Katy Perry strikes one of the sharks after it gasped on stage.

In addition, the Post-Annakin/Darth Vader treatment of the lion was gruesome. When asked to comment Roger Goodell had the following to say: “We want to wait to make a decision until all the information is available. The NFL is currently in possession of a tape that does indeed show Ms. Perry on a mechanical animal of some kind, but as of yet it is unclear on whether or not she knew that her prop was a living animal. It is possible that the animal may have been tampered with, without her knowledge.”

As always I think we can count on the NFL to make a swift and righteous decision in this matter. All in all, it was quite the show, and I think we can all agree that the Black Eyed Peas should crawl deeper into their shame hole.

--Mac Turbine, Animal Rights Activist, Equine and Feline Interpreter

Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...

I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...

I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.

I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:

THE VERDICT

As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher

Dying Light Review: Day 1

Dying Light Review: Day 1

What is this cat and why isn't it more important?

Mogadishu, the cityscape of Dying Light

The Pattison Chronicle has decided to step into new territory and expand its already exhaustive content. Today a zombie survival game Dying Light was released, but shady developers didn’t give enough time for it to be reviewed by professionals. Naturally, we here at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best for us to purchase the game, and do our best to review it haphazardly in a few days so that gamers can make an even more uninformed decision about buying the product. So enjoy…

Dying Light opens with a cinematic of some guy parachuting into what I can only assume to be a Middle Eastern country (it’s hot and there’s lots of hostiles). Immediately I assumed the game was about liberating said country from the forces of terror, but was quickly thrown a curveball when one of these guys showed up…

You know she didn't go to work today.... Burnouts...

Of course, I parachuted into a city just months after marijuana had been legalized (well played Techland). My mission was to coral these slow moving addicts and educate them on the perils of drug use. Unfortunately the drug addled beast was too much for me and I was quickly overtaken. Fortunately I was saved in the nick of time by a group of plucky renegades and taken back to meet their leader. The rebels maintained that a man called ‘The Boss’ ran their operation, but while searching the surrounding building for useful items (duct tape, alcohol, and metal parts) I came across this image.

Mr Whiskers, Savior of Mogadishu 

As of yet I'm not sure what this game is about, but I can be sure that this cat is going to be a major player in the hours to come... Playable cat-based DLC perhaps? One can only hope that it will be one of the many mediocre offerings that are presented for $15 shortly after the game’s initial release. Either way my initial hours with Dying Light have been a joy-filled romp through a post-apocalyptic look at what happens when states take the war on drugs into their own hands. It has served as a sobering warning to any states that wish to follow in Washington, Colorado, and Oregon’s paths…

As the sun sets I know my work here is not yet finished. How can I reach these kids?

More to come as I continue playing…



--Ashton Macaulay, Head of Video Game Division, Conspiracy Theory Author, and Questioner of Felines

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken

It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...

The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…

-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee

5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin

You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the naïve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination

I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…

If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures

Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.

-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member