Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...

I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...

I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.

I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:

THE VERDICT

As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher

Dying Light Review: Day 1

Dying Light Review: Day 1

What is this cat and why isn't it more important?

Mogadishu, the cityscape of Dying Light

The Pattison Chronicle has decided to step into new territory and expand its already exhaustive content. Today a zombie survival game Dying Light was released, but shady developers didn’t give enough time for it to be reviewed by professionals. Naturally, we here at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best for us to purchase the game, and do our best to review it haphazardly in a few days so that gamers can make an even more uninformed decision about buying the product. So enjoy…

Dying Light opens with a cinematic of some guy parachuting into what I can only assume to be a Middle Eastern country (it’s hot and there’s lots of hostiles). Immediately I assumed the game was about liberating said country from the forces of terror, but was quickly thrown a curveball when one of these guys showed up…

You know she didn't go to work today.... Burnouts...

Of course, I parachuted into a city just months after marijuana had been legalized (well played Techland). My mission was to coral these slow moving addicts and educate them on the perils of drug use. Unfortunately the drug addled beast was too much for me and I was quickly overtaken. Fortunately I was saved in the nick of time by a group of plucky renegades and taken back to meet their leader. The rebels maintained that a man called ‘The Boss’ ran their operation, but while searching the surrounding building for useful items (duct tape, alcohol, and metal parts) I came across this image.

Mr Whiskers, Savior of Mogadishu 

As of yet I'm not sure what this game is about, but I can be sure that this cat is going to be a major player in the hours to come... Playable cat-based DLC perhaps? One can only hope that it will be one of the many mediocre offerings that are presented for $15 shortly after the game’s initial release. Either way my initial hours with Dying Light have been a joy-filled romp through a post-apocalyptic look at what happens when states take the war on drugs into their own hands. It has served as a sobering warning to any states that wish to follow in Washington, Colorado, and Oregon’s paths…

As the sun sets I know my work here is not yet finished. How can I reach these kids?

More to come as I continue playing…



--Ashton Macaulay, Head of Video Game Division, Conspiracy Theory Author, and Questioner of Felines

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken

It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...

The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…

-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Ben & Jerry’s Announces Cookie Core, Subdued Riots in Colorado

January 13^th, 2015, BOULDER, CO

"Murderers of fitness since 1909"

Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical  frozen delight purveyors revealed that this year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.

Actual depiction of "Cookie Core"

Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown organic “bullshit”.

Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.

--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice

If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8

Peyton Rhymes With Satan

January 8, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

Today is a dark day, as for the first time in decades The Catholic Church has made a sweeping ban on something completely unrelated to religion, but ultimately for our benefit (God, 2015). In a bold and what most consider justified move, The Catholic Church (capitalized for holy emphasis) has banned the pagan practice of supporting The Broncos’ Super Bowl bid.

"Come with me, to eternal fire, and touchdown passes..."

“Peyton is just too darned close to Satan, and that’s just against God.” Said one religious spokesperson, who as like the majority of our sources (cowards) has chosen to remain nameless. We can tell you that he is a high ranking member of the church and as such likely possesses super powers of a divine nature.

We attempted to reach out to Peyton ‘Satan’ Manning for comment (it is catchy), but sadly he was still in hiding, fearing that he might have the chance to repeat 2014’s Super Bowl embarrassment. In the meantime I suppose there is only one correct course of action. Let us all step off the path of the deceiver, and enter into the glorious Hawk. For only in worshipping of a false avian idol will we find solace!

Praise be to the mighty hawks, and eternal hell fire on panthers!

Actual Photo (Biblical elements may have been exaggerated)

-- Reporter in the Field, Captain Sparkles

References:

God ft. Dogma (2015). Here’s a new list of things you should hate because I hate them, and that’s just how we do things here. Stone Tablet Today, 7890(1), 1-10. Retrieved from: Centuries old beliefs that hold no relevance to our society.

Note: The Pattison Chronicle represents the views of no one, if you are offended kindly submit a claim to our complaint office ecampaign@gop.com

Netflix, Streaming Service, or Corporate Swamp Beast?

January 6^th, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

            

Red for the blood of the innocents (which they drink)

Today is a dark day for the internet video industry as the streaming service Netflix is facing a lawsuit following the release of seasons 1-10 of Friends online. For those who are unfamiliar, Netflix is an online streaming service that offers thousands of options for procrastination and social alienation for a modest $7.99 a month. The victim claims that he was no longer able to complete basic daily tasks such as: Eating, drinking, or feeding his cats after the release of Friends to the online streaming service.

           

“It’s just, there’s so much to watch now, and I can’t stop. I really want to, but Netflix just won’t let me.” The man has asked to remain nameless due to threats toward his feline counterparts from the shadowy corporate killing machine Netflix. The man is seeking $40,000 in reparations, which as he states is “enough for me to finish the entire series without having to work or care for my children.”

            

There has been no response as of yet from the morally reprehensible lie factory Netflix, but we here at the Pattison Chronicle can assure you that a statement will be made public as soon as it is available (we have interns attempting corporate espionage right now). More about this story as it develops.

--Burt Jinzley

David Copperfield: Portrait of a Rabbit Molester

December 4th, 2014, LAS VEGAS, NV

A magician in the act... Disgusting

Tensions are high today in Las Vegas as a well-known magician is on trial in front of a grand jury for misuse of leporidae (Commonly known as ‘rabbits’ or ‘bunnies’, not to be confused with scantily clad women at the Hefner mansion) in his acts. The magician is well known mind-bender/antichrist David Copperfield.  The rabbits with the help of PETA (People for the Enigmatic Trickery Animals) have filed a lawsuit against the magician in hopes of receiving some sort of recompense for their years spent being molested by hats and magic wands. The rabbits are seeking 50,000 carrots (organic of course) as well as 5,000 bales of hay so that they may live out the rest of their life in scratchy comfort.

When asked for comment Mr. Copperfield said: “You’re not a real news agency, stop following me.” As well as: “How did you get into my house? I’m calling the police.” The magician, easily agitated was clearly stressed by the lawsuit and would not provide us with any information. However we were able to attain an interview with amateur street performer and part-time homeless person Reggie Steel.

MAC TURBINE, HOMELESS SHELTER

“So how has the whole scandal affected your crowds?”

“You know it’s hard to get food these days. The government and Obama are really putting a squeeze on the old noodle, and the fucking rabbit priest David Copperfield makes me want to—“ The rest is mostly unintelligible screaming.

“So you’re saying that you saw Mr. Copperfield molesting the rabbits?”

“Absolutely, now I need about five bucks for a sandwich or I’m going to pull your teeth out.”

“Fascinating.”

NEWS ROOM

A rabbit, trying to cope. 

I think it goes without saying that Mr. Copperfield will have quite a bit to answer for in the coming weeks. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the many rabbits that were hurt by Mr. Copperfield’s indecency. More on this story as it develops. 

Are orca whales being oppressed by Canadians? Our sources say yes.

December 2, 2014 BELLINGHAM, WA

A lone orca towing a 10 ton BC ferry

There’s a silent revolution gaining strength in the north, and it’s not Quebec trying to secede again. Today’s story comes from an underrepresented, underprivileged, and overworked population; the tow orca. Some might say that we did away with the deplorable ferry towing industry years ago with the Free Willy Rights Act of 1993, but many British Columbian ferries are still resting on the backs of the beautiful porpoisine population.

Field reporter Mac Turbine went undercover as a ferry captain to expose this ring.

MAC TURBINE – BRITISH COLUMBIA

When I first stepped aboard the ferry to Victoria, BC I was surprised to find images of orcas everywhere. While most respectable water transport services have since done away with such offensive iconography, it appeared as though this backwater ferry company was still clinging to its cultural roots. What’s worse, the second the ferry left the dock I could tell that we were in real trouble. The engines roared to life, but the turbines spit no water from behind the boat. In a moment that I can only describe as horrifying, the true predicament came clear. This BC ferry company was still employing the cost-cutting strategy of orca towing.

Immediately I ran to the front of the boat and was confronted with the shocking truth. Just off the bow of the boat I caught a glimpse of a majestic orca whale, struggling for air. When confronted Captain Jean merely laughed. “We have been using tow orcas for generations. It is a green solution to the current fuel crisis, and one that we will continue to use.”  Not only were they not denying it, they were proud of their business practices.

An undercover tow-orca training ring at the now closed Marine Land BC

While many would argue for the green aspect of using tow orcas rather than traditional fossil fuels (Macaulay, 2003), but the reality is that a population is being enslaved, and for a few hundred years that’s not what our country’s been about. I would urge all of our readers to write in to the WDSDOT ferry center and urge a boycott of all water transportation to and from Canada until this atrocity has been remedied.

We here at the Pattison Chronicle will continue to follow this scandal as it develops.

--Real News for Real Persons