PETA Lashes out at Katy Perry About Half-Time Show Performance

"Fighting for animal rights humans don't even have."

February 2, 2015 SEATTLE WASHINGTON

In the wake of a disappointing Superbowl outcome the citizens of Washington have been re-directing their attention to the ‘real’ winner of the Superbowl. I’m speaking of course about Katy Perry. Many tuned into yesterday’s half-time show with the lackluster enthusiasm of a generation that has seen it all (looking at you Janet), but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Ms. Perry finished her soulful rendition of her hit single Animal Noises. However, there are some who are very displeased with the performance, and mostly they’re PETA.

Because being the Mockingjay just wasn't enough was it?

A spokesperson for PETA (People for Extreme Trivial Activism) said the following: “Not only did Katy Perry manage to abuse a well-loved species by removing it from its natural habitat…” Referring to the dancing sharks during Song that No Longer Contains Snoop Dogg. “…She also took an endangered species, oppressed it into servitude, and rode it for the crowd’s amusement. It is one of the biggest catastrophes in animal rights history, and frankly I’m appalled that the NFL has done nothing about it. Ms. Perry should face heavy fines if not jail-time for her actions.” While the representative may have seemed a bit uppity, they may have a point. At one point during the performance it is very clear that the sharks are under duress (likely due to the lack of water on the stage) and can be seen gasping for air.

Katy Perry strikes one of the sharks after it gasped on stage.

In addition, the Post-Annakin/Darth Vader treatment of the lion was gruesome. When asked to comment Roger Goodell had the following to say: “We want to wait to make a decision until all the information is available. The NFL is currently in possession of a tape that does indeed show Ms. Perry on a mechanical animal of some kind, but as of yet it is unclear on whether or not she knew that her prop was a living animal. It is possible that the animal may have been tampered with, without her knowledge.”

As always I think we can count on the NFL to make a swift and righteous decision in this matter. All in all, it was quite the show, and I think we can all agree that the Black Eyed Peas should crawl deeper into their shame hole.

--Mac Turbine, Animal Rights Activist, Equine and Feline Interpreter

Seahawks Investigated for Performance Enhancers

January 19, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

"National F***-All League"

Amidst the turmoil that has accompanied the Patriots being investigated for deflated balls (they let Lance Armstrong race!), it appears that the NFL will have another scandal to add to the ever-growing pile. Fans cheered and heaped thunderous applause after a last-minute comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in yesterday’s championship game, but new evidence suggests that skittles might not have been the ultimate driving force behind this victory. Mac Turbine reports.

MAC TURBINE, DICKS BURGERS, WA

It appears that the Seahawks will be joining the list of professional teams accused of cheating today. NFL commissioner (and dark lord of The Sith) Roger Goodell claims that there is speculation that the team may have been using ‘outside help’. While many believed Marshawn Lynch’s golden shoes to be merely a publicity stunt, the commissioner and the NFLs game review committee thought differently.

“There is a good chance that Marshawn’s shoes were coated in a substance only previously thought to be possible in the realm of science fiction.” While the committee refused to elaborate, I think we all know what the substance they’re referring to is. Last seen aiding an ailing college basketball team in 1997, the performance enhancing drug, ‘flubber’, was thought to be long gone. Unfortunately for the sporting industry it appears that this volatile substance may be making a resurgence in the greater Seattle area.

The shoes are currently being held for questioning.

I was able to conduct a brief interview with the football star earlier today. “Marshawn, did you coat your shoes with the performance enhancing drug ‘flubber’ before yesterday’s game?”

“Yeah.” The simple one-word response says it all.

PATTISON CHRONICLE NEWS ROOM, NORTH POLE

Authorities are urging everyone to report any suspicious activity in the Seattle area that might indicate the production of flubber. Residents are asked to keep an eye out for oddly charming professors, flying cars, and the creation of a new Seattle basketball team. I think I speak for all of us here at the chronicle when I say: “YEAH, GO HAWKS, GO HAWKS! SUPERBOWL! FOOBALL! FLUBBER BE DAMNED! YEAHHHHH!”

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, and 1990 Comedy Addict

Peyton Rhymes With Satan

January 8, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

Today is a dark day, as for the first time in decades The Catholic Church has made a sweeping ban on something completely unrelated to religion, but ultimately for our benefit (God, 2015). In a bold and what most consider justified move, The Catholic Church (capitalized for holy emphasis) has banned the pagan practice of supporting The Broncos’ Super Bowl bid.

"Come with me, to eternal fire, and touchdown passes..."

“Peyton is just too darned close to Satan, and that’s just against God.” Said one religious spokesperson, who as like the majority of our sources (cowards) has chosen to remain nameless. We can tell you that he is a high ranking member of the church and as such likely possesses super powers of a divine nature.

We attempted to reach out to Peyton ‘Satan’ Manning for comment (it is catchy), but sadly he was still in hiding, fearing that he might have the chance to repeat 2014’s Super Bowl embarrassment. In the meantime I suppose there is only one correct course of action. Let us all step off the path of the deceiver, and enter into the glorious Hawk. For only in worshipping of a false avian idol will we find solace!

Praise be to the mighty hawks, and eternal hell fire on panthers!

Actual Photo (Biblical elements may have been exaggerated)

-- Reporter in the Field, Captain Sparkles

References:

God ft. Dogma (2015). Here’s a new list of things you should hate because I hate them, and that’s just how we do things here. Stone Tablet Today, 7890(1), 1-10. Retrieved from: Centuries old beliefs that hold no relevance to our society.

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