Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...

I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...

I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.

I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:

THE VERDICT

As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher

Dying Light Day 2

Dying Light Day 2

Requiem for a Jimmy

How to begin to describe my second day in the carnage-filled merry-go-round that is Dying Light’s Mogadishu: I made some friends, fell in love, and once again ended up alone against an unbathed hippy drum circle…

Dying Light’s second day was much like the first, the denizens of Mogadishu proved unreceptive to my message. In fact, several of them tried to bite me, and I found that I had to take my protection to an extreme I’m not proud of.

I had to make the binding from hemp... God damned reefer madness.

While a knife attached to a large battery might seem brutal, electricity has proved a formidable tool against violent protestors (I learned from the best, LAPD). My day was filled with fending off the munchie-ridden addicts and running for my life. That was, until I met Jimmy. It was friendship at first sight. I saw him from across the rooftops, and he saw me. Unfortunately he didn’t see the reefer-heads sneaking up behind him, and our friendship came to a quick end. Jimmy was the best of us, and I will morn his loss for the rest of the time I spend playing this game (it’s been three hours, is it over yet?)

He looks so peaceful

Luckily, my despair was not to continue, as shortly after I lost Jimmy I was presented with what I can only assume is the game’s love interest. While it was clear that I was supposed to feel something for this woman, she sported dreadlocks, the traditional head garb of the reggae enthusiast. Reggae is a slippery slope that leads to drum circles…

One of such drum circles throughout the city. Can you guess what that green gas is? It's the MARY JANE!

I can tell you that breaking up that hazy celebration of apathy was eye-opening. Overall my second day with Dying Light has been an emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be that way. Now the sun sets and at least I can take comfort in that the reefer heads will likely be asleep. I think I’ll go out for a stroll this evening and post some pictures tomorrow!

Reefers don't like night time right?

--Stephen Shilling, Night Time is Safe Time Author, & Video Game Expert

Ben & Jerry’s Announces Cookie Core, Subdued Riots in Colorado

January 13^th, 2015, BOULDER, CO

"Murderers of fitness since 1909"

Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical  frozen delight purveyors revealed that this year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.

Actual depiction of "Cookie Core"

Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown organic “bullshit”.

Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.

--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice

If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8